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| m&ms487 (profile) wrote, on 6-1-2004 at 9:10pm | |
| Current mood: angry |
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| I really shouldn't be like this. It's quite annoying. To me, to everyone. I don't want to screw all this up. I'm afraid of doing that, so terribly afraid. Things were a little off today. Okay, a little more than a little off. Today went by SO fast, I don't know where it all went. The scary part is that I don't remember a lot of it. I was closed in, and I wasn't aware of the changing world around me. Sometimes that's good in high school, and yet, it reminds me of a while back. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that lately. Probably brought on my new found happiness and whatnot. I only know two things right now: 1. I never want to be like that again 2. It made me see the other side of things, the darker side of life I remember waking up the morning after, I keep going back to that. "We've got work to do" I love that, "We". I was the only fucking person that did anything. It was my choice in the end, and you left it to me, I don't think you really realize how close I was. I said I wasn't, but I was, and now that I'm back from that, I can look back and forgive you, but I still don't know why you did what you did. I probably don't want to know. God damn it. I wanted out of my fucking life. Didn't that tell you something? I was really fucked up, and you did little more than nothing. I want all this anger to run out of me, like blood from a wound, just run and pool at my feet and dry and be done with forever. I don't want it anymore. Maybe it's the anger that keeps me going sometimes, but right now it just makes me want to cry. It's getting in the fucking way of everything. I'm letting it, wait, no, I have no control over it. I think I need an attitude adjustment. Blah Blah Blah. School's almost done with. Thank god. I don't think I could stand another week of all that shit. Everyone going behind each other's backs, the pettiness, god, and I hate it when I realize that I did it too. I only saw it until i was on the outside looking in. Two god damn more years. I'm ready to be out already, hopefully this summer will provide temporary relief, and then i can spend my last years superficially, everything hurts a bit less that way, when it's superficial. It's easier to swallow, to digest. I hate to be the one to look on and past what goes on, but I realize it now more than ever that I can't change it. No one can. They'll do what they do until they change. I hate that. Seeing people waste their live's away, not doing anything. I don't think they're lazy, I think they're scared to live. Even possibly exist. I was once, I know that. But I hid inside myself, they hide behind sex, and drugs, and alcohol, and their petty gossip, and $70 pairs of jeans and high heeled shoes and slutty tanktops and thongs that they know everyone sees because they don't know how else to get the attention. The stupidity, the whiny helplessness. This is where they become real people. These are real people. I AM a real person. I don't appreciate being treated like a damn 13 year old. And you know, it's not the authority's fault, it's my "peers" because they fucking act like it. They're hiding, they don't know how to come out, when they don't realize that all they have to do is take that step. All you have to do is trust yourself and defend yourself, no matter what you think. That's the only kind of respect that's worth receiving. That's the only kind of respect that will stick to you. And that's all what we're looking for in life, isn't it? Respect. It's what we've been starved of our whole lives, that's what causes rebellion, the drugs, the sex. If only we had a little respect, that's what they say. Well, you know how you get respect? You earn it. You earn it from people your respect, people who's idea's count. People who could take you somewhere in life, or better yet, people who YOU could take somewhere in life. Enough bitching for now. The pool has collected on the floor. -michelle- |
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.j.e.s.s. | 06-02-04 11:32am wow. sounds like something going through my head.. kind of.
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| m&ms487 | Re:, 06-03-04 5:18pm Yeah, that's just fraction of what's going on in my head.
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| m&ms487 | Re:, 06-03-04 5:21pm Yeah, that's just fraction of what's going on in my head.
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