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| dumbblonde1137 (profile) wrote, on 6-6-2004 at 10:47pm | |
| Current mood: depressed Music: Memory by:sugarcult Subject: this may never start, we could fall apart... |
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| ok here it is. the continuation to my last entry. this is gunna be me...saying exactly how i feel. no wim ur gunna be gay and think im overreacting ot w/e then leave...i dont need to deal with ur shit. ok well everyone knows me as the funny, happy-go-lucky janelle. im always smiling and laughing. i seem like a pretty happy person rite?...wrong. for as long as i can remeber there has always been a side of me taht absolutely no one knew about. i kept it all bottled up inside of me. not even my mom knows and i tell her EVERYTHING. lately i have been extra bitchy, depressed, emotional and the like. enuff for my friends to notice and be concerned. it mite have sumthin to do with the fact that i am, in my parents eyes, "the perfect child" i get mostly straight A's, honor roll, NHS, etc. i excell at everything i do. (i dont mean to brag) but u hear of stories of smart ass harvard ppl and stuff that end up eitehr addicted to a drug or dying of an overdose. its becuz of the lack of attention we get. after awhile of succeeding, people tend to care less and ur work goes unnoticed. for example,i have been working on this drawing for quite sum time and i finished it last nite and showed it to my mom,who said, and i quote, "wow. thatsnice. what do u want me to do now? frame it and hang it on the fridge?" wtf? no i dont expect that but a lil praise wuld be nice. jeez i fucking ripped it up and threw it in the garbage. thats all it is to sum ppl. its like "oh janelle got another A, big deal" but "oh look! bob finally got a B! yay go bob." it pisses me off. also, i've had a i dont give a fuck and an i ahte everything attitude for awhile now. everytime sumone suggests sumthin i hate it. or i dont care. its starting to piss my friends off too cuz im "ruining" their fun. i dunno y this is. i never used to be like this. ...of course, i never was like this until i changed. well changed from prep to punk (if thats wut u wanna call me). camila thinks it may have sumthin to do with this but i dunno. like before i used to listen to britney spears, nsync etc. now its thurday, taking back sunday, dashboard confessional etc. all rock/punk rock bands. i dunno if this has anything to do with it but w/e. i've been like rilly depressed and emotional too. the slightest thing throws me off and makes me wanna burst into tears. if sumone says sumthin it makes me mad, even if i kno that they are joking. if im talking to sumone online and tehy eitehr stop talking or dont talk as much, i get pissed off. its rilly gay. i have no reason to be like this. i mean my life is pretty good to say the least. i mean i have lots of awesome friends, a nice family, and everything in the guy department seems to be going pretty good too. but thats where i fuck it all up. i think wayy too much about the bad things. or the things that could go wrong. like he could stop liking me. i could annoy him and he'd move on. or nothing will ever happen and im wasting my time. or hes jus saying those things to be nice and he doesnt rilly mean it. some of those things aer kinda absurd but i think bout them so much that i actually start to believe them. now its not jus like this in the guy area. it happens everywhere. i think everything is going to get ruined in the end. i can never take sumthin for what it rilly is. also, i've been ril cranky towards my friends and parents. i've actually yelled at my dad alot. and i NEVER talk bak to my parents. the biggest problem with this is im afraid of what could happen next. im afraid that it could lead to worser (is that a word) things. im scared that i'll end up like a lot of other ppl i kno and end up drinking, smoking , or self mutilating (thats cutting for u less literate ppl) myself in order to cope with my emotional pain. im also afraid this could lead to long term depression and stuff. now sum of u may think im overreacting bout this cuz ive always had wacky mood swings, but they never lsted this long. i mean yeah, it could be nothing more that a phase, but then again...it could be more. i dunno if i shuld take camilas idea and try going bak to being preppy-er and less punk and see if that will make me happier. but in teh long run...wuldnt that make me a...poser? rite? ahh. i dunno . i jus had to write this to get this out in the open. im soooo incredibly sick of keeping all this inside of me. im sick of hating everything. im sick of not caring. im sick of pissing my friends off. im sick of not trusting anything anyone says to me. im sick of being pessimestic about the best situations. im sick of not being appreciated. im sick of feeling like no one likes me. im sick of crying over the littlest things. im sick of feeling like no one cares.... im so sick of feeling this way. sumbodie help me...please. -janelle- all i want is to truly be happy once again. im sick of putting on a show to please people. i just want to be normal again. is that too much to ask? ---i dunno if i got my point accross...the first entry was better i think but it got deleted when my computer froze. grrr. |
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| Post A Comment |
| Anonymous | hey, 06-06-04 11:40pm hey im here for u if u ever want/need to talk...
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| dumbblonde1137 | Re: hey, 06-06-04 11:53pm thanks andrew. that means alot to me, rilly.
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Anonymous | Re: Re: hey, 06-07-04 10:02pm hey TAKING BACK SUNDAY IS AN AWSOME BAND!
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Anonymous | .=.=.=., 06-07-04 10:05pm HEY BUDDY .. none of the cutting stuff ro drinking stuff will start if u dont let it go that far...so basically its all up to u..and how far u let it go..
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