| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| glitterkisses (profile) wrote, on 6-7-2004 at 10:59am | |
| Current mood: crappy Music: LoneStar-Lets be us again Subject: I'm sorry for the way I lost my head...I don't know why I said the things I said, let's be us again. Here I stand with everything to lose and all I know is I don't ever want to see the end |
|
| I got my paycheck today. Not too shabby. I just wish I could rub it in Andy's face, since he always loved doing the same thing. It's a good feeling cashing a check that you've worked hard for. I'm sure it's not as big of a deal to everyone else, because everyone else is 16, or older. Ugh. Everyone can drive....but me! I hate it because everyone in the fucking world can and will be able to drive before m. It's pathetic. I have like more than half a year before I turn 16, and even when I do trun 16 nmy parents aren't letting me get my liscense, because it's winter and they dont want me driving until spring because I'm a new driver. WTF?!?! I'm going to have to learn how to drive in the winter sooner or later, I already have to wait longer than everyone in the fucking world , there are sophmores and freshman who can drive , and will be able to drive before I can. and I'm basically a fucking junior. When school starts in september, I won't be able tot drive to school in the morning, me and jess will always have to take her car out to lunch, I wont be able to drive myself home after tennis practice, I'm not going to be able to go to the mall with out bringing someone a long, or making my mom birng me, I can't drive to work, I aksjdfklajfklajsdfklajsf I'm just going to stop talking about it. At least Jess will be able to drive in like a week and then she can come over whenever her parents will let her and then we can fucking go places, alone. Anyhoo I'm so tan right now. wooo! Tanner than Andy probably is! So he can eat shit. heh. I'll be in a better mood this week. All I've done for summer vacation so far is worl. And Shannon stopped over for a while, to bring me a slurpie, seriously that girl is so sweet. But I'm having a bonfire, my mom is taking me shopping, Erika's having her party that me and Jess are going to. I'm really excited. Were going after Jess gets out of work so we;ll be there late, like 9 but were still going to have so much fun! I've missed Erika. You know what song I've been listening to a lot lately? Broken by Setter and Amy Lee, it's a really pretty song. I heard another song when me and my mom went to the bank today, "Lets be us again" bye Lonestar and I almost started crying. how pathetic am I? lol I know what you're thinking, and I'm thinking it's exactlly what I know. yup, it is. So I talked to Linds for a really long time yesterday and I am going to miss her so much this summer. I mean who else am I going to have boob conversation's with? :( *tear* I love you linds, be safe this summer, use the rubber I gave you, and don't forget to call ;) lol On a different not, yesterday I had a total breakdown. I hung up the phone in my room and just started balling my eyes out. All I thought about was how stupid I must be to have to deal with this. How stupid or what a terriable person I must be if you really think all those things. I let you, and a few other people get to me, and bring me down so far, and it hurts so bad. Taryn, bless her little heart. She always always know the right thing to say, and it's always something that makes complete and perfect sense. And talking to her made me realize I can't always be considered about other people and for once I need to do what makes me happy, instead of always caring about my friends being happy, or what's the matter with them, or how I'm being treated. And Im really going to try to do that, becauseI don't want to worry and stress about all the stupid stuff that I do anymore. It's not worth it, I'm wasting so much time being un happy for the dumbest reasons, that everytime I'm actually happy, I mess it up. And I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to care about the things that don't matter. And none of this matters. What matters is how I feel, and what makes me happy, and what I deserve, not any of you. Because you can only push me so far, and you can only make me feel terriable so many times, before I pick myself up off the ground and you'll be the person, or the people feeling like shit. And the only difference is I won't even worry about forgiving anyone, or school, because I'll be over everything, and when you've over something, it doens't matter anymore. And I'm making a promise to myself right now, that....even if it takes awhile....it wont matter to me sooner or later. And that's how it is supose to be, so I'm not going to feel bad either, or guilty because you should feel guilty and you should feel ashsamed, and you should feel bad. Not me. And I'm not sorry. When I was talking to my mom last night, she was the last person I really wanted to talk to, but I'm actually really glad now that it was her, and she was there, because she actually listened and helped me a lot. I wrote this the other night..."Of all the things I wish I could do right now...I wish I could let my guard down. Just straighten all my thoughts out into one thing. I feel like Only really trust a couple of people anymore, where as before, I tursted everyone until they gave me a reason to no longer trust them. And I feel bad, because isn't that the way it's supose to be? I don't want to open up to anyone anymore. I don't get too person with anyone but Jess really anymore. I always feel unaware of everything, including my own feelings. " And when I read that...it makes perfect sense. I've been wanting to tell Andy this, and I'm sure I will sooner of later is how embaressed I am, what a fool I feel like for tursting him, for telling him thinggs I've only ever told Jess, how I cannot believe who he is now, and I nwill never be okay with it ever. and I'm tiered of hearing the same excuses over and over, we are friends jess, you just think the worse jess, ....and now look at where everything is? I'm kinda worried the next time I talk to him, everything just going to come out, and I always seem to regreat saying alot of things when I say things out of anger so...ehh...I dunno. I'm just going to try not to think about it. It's not important. I really want to go to the next home whitecaps game, I have three favorite things about summer. Now four actually. 1.)bonfire 2.)whitecaps, 3.) when me and jess go sailing, and 4.)fireworks...espically the fourth of july, I always go to the bridge, the one in Grand Rapids that's always packed, and watch the fireworks show that last for like an hour, hour and a half. Fireworks are so pretty, but lol before I go off on a rant about fireworks I want to go to the white caps game so bad, because they have fireworks the next home game, so Im excited woo! So um....Mike's great. :) heh that's all I really can say. I really want to enjou everything this summer while I can. I've tryed fixing the bd things from the school year and I guess the impression I have anyway is that either it's not important enough, or I'm not important enough , so I'm just letting it be that. Unless you make it otherwise. This summer I just want to relax, and have fun. |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
.j.e.s.s. | 06-07-04 11:54am well if that's not hard to read, i dont know what is. |
.j.e.s.s. | 06-07-04 11:54am oh, nevermind. |