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| puddlejumper526 (profile) wrote, on 7-11-2004 at 12:59am | |
| Current mood: crying Subject: depressed... |
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| since 9 tonight i've held back my tears and now they're coming out. i am so depressed. i can feel tears falling from both eyes on my cheeks. the thing that scares me most is this is the 4th time i've cried at night this week. fake smiles during the day but when it comes night i'm a lost soul, the real me, just a depressed fuck. i'm not me anymore. clark gave me a ride home tonight, gene and holly followed. as we got onto Judy i told him to drop me off at frank olsen and he did. i walked the 6 or 7 blocks home. i didn't care. it was dark and i couldn't see anything. i just walked. i didn't want to go home because by the time i got to my street i was basically bawling just not extremely for fear of random people seeing. but as clark drove off i called zach. i needed somebody and he was the person i needed. so as i was walking home i called him and he was in the area so he came over. i sat outside in the lawn waiting for him, in tears. i couldn't stop myself and everything i said i just choked. i'd start saying something but couldn't completely finish, because i'd start bawling. he cheered me up though, he told me to forget everything and just smile. so i tried and i did & by the time i had to go in we were wrestling on the lawn & dancing in the moonlight, and i was happy. some people just don't understand the feelings i've got for him, or actually my feelings in general. if somebody asked whats wrong right now i wouldn't be able to say because i don't know myself. i'm just depressed, as if it were a personality or something, it's just the way i am right now. just shoot already. you know, i look at myself as being the kind of person that i tell everybody not to be. i've been thinking about this for weeks. for example if it doesn't make sense, i'd be the one who'd run off with somebody, being totally rebelous and before i leave just telling my friends to make something of theirselves and don't take the same road as me, be sucessful. that shows about how much self confidence i have in myself, i just see myself as screwing up and just not being important but telling everybody else to not be that way, as if i'm looking out for my friends but not watching out for myself. as fucked up as it sounds thats what i've been thinking for at least 2 weeks. i am messed up. i should be happy. i mean, even after hanging out with zach, which i do feel better because of seeing him but i'm still sad.. which doesn't make sense, but i guess neither does life. clark just IMed me & said 'why'd you walk?' and then 30 seconds later got off.. guess he didn't really want an answer. i didn't really tell him when he dropped me off i just said i wanted to be dropped off at the hill at the top of frankolsen and he said he could take me home.. but i said i wanted to walk. so he stopped and let me off.. i was about to bawl then, but i didn't let it out until after he drove off.. then i called zach and tried to compose myself, not really working. so yeah. well, that is all. until i think of more to talk about. |
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| Anonymous | :(, 07-11-04 3:23am
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