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| chanel24 (profile) wrote, on 7-15-2004 at 10:44am | |
| Current mood: thoughtful Music: dumb Subject: new stuff |
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| well.. i havent done a hell of a lot but whatever.. read on i talked to john today for like the first time on the phone.. meh.. it was nothing special.. i think im going to break up with him tomorrow.. i like him but its too hard to deal with this summer relationship bullshit. meh.. everytime i write shit like this i look back at it and im like "jesus christ, do i really sound that teeny bopper?".. oh well... i forget about it eventually anyway. i talked to tori about the whole samm situation. im not really on sides - i think both of them have different points and stuff and both of them have just kinda messed up at some point. i just dont like seeing samm frustrated about that sort of thing - i swear to god tori, samm's, and codie's relationship is basically identical to sarah, jess's, and mine. except my wheel of friends is a a "teeny" bit more dramatic. i love tori to hell and shit and shes like the only friend of samm's that i like approve of so i hate seeing them conflicted. i dunno why but i feel like its my responsibility to talk to tori for samm when i know samm doesnt really want me to and its none of my business but i dunno.. i just care about them both - i dont want to see them get messed up. im having a rollercoaster emotion day. i was pretty content earlier but then i read some entries in this and now im like.. melancholy or whatever other word there is for it. ive realized through this that i have so many more like.. issues with tj and sarah and possibly jess. ive never really realized how much of a jealous person i am. on one hand, im jealous of tj and jessica but on the other hand i just hate tj and i dont want to share jess with him. and im insanely jealous of sarah and jess. i feel like i have the right to be jess's number one since ive been bff with her since 3rd grade, which is a really long time. i dont understand what sarah has that i dont. im so conflicted with this. i wish i could just come out and confront jess about this cause its seriously tearing me up. jesus christ i want a therapist.. i need someone to talk to about this shit that wont judge me to hell. i mean, ive always really had it in my mind that i was jealous of sarah and jess but i never really liked to think about it but now that i have, and am.. there are so many more deeper issues about the whole situation that are like fucking tormenting me.. im not how i used to be and it fucking kills me. i mean.. i dont want to sounds like a manic depressive person cause i do have a lot of fun and i have a good life and shit but i just have my share of fairy huge issues.. i dont know what to do.. one part of me tells me that i should be upset about these things and that i should, you know, like confront them or whatever but another side of me is like get off your sorry ass and stop whining about all this shit! all people have their problems, no one wants to hear about yours!... i dunno.. i think i pity myself too much.. i feel like im too young to have to worry about this shit. ugh.. and i hate that all these entries make me sounds like an 8 year old "well shes being mean!", "i hate this, i hate that!".. i also think that a lot of my problem is my huge self-esteem problem! i think most of it is that i freaking love the way i am but im more afraid that who i am fucks everything up, you know? i mean i could give a flying fuck about what people think but certain people can make me just want to change who i am to please them.. like jess, samm, my 'rents, other random friends. ughh.. im so fucking messed up. while im writing this im like "you're such a fucking loser if this is all you ever think about you stupid loner." i dont have time for this.. somebody leave me a comment - make me feel sane |
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| Anonymous | 07-16-04 9:26pm hug? <33
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