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| justplainolemica (profile) wrote, on 7-28-2004 at 12:39pm | |
| Current mood: numb Subject: crazy |
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I have the biggest relief of my life and I still feel all tense. I dunno what to say or do. I mean what all just happened was honestly the scariest most crazy thing that has ever happened to me. And I dunno, its over but its still with me. I dont know how to explain it. Just that I feel all tense. Like physical muscle tension as well as mental tension. I guess things could be worse right so I should just stop complaining. It just sucked that I had only one person to complain to... Rob. And I guess thats my choice right? I didnt seek out anyone else. I thought I could do it on my own and then when it got really bad.... like crying bad I'd call up Rob all hysterical and he'd get me to stop crying and send me on my merry way and then I'd stress again... cry... merry way... it was a never ending cycle. So I guess its my own fault. I guess what it comes down to is that I hate burdening other people with my problems. Everyone has their own. And I'd rather just keep mine to myself then unload them on someone else. It only seems fair. And I dnt know I just dont do that whole problem talking thing very well... one day its prolly gonna kill me. I'd still love to talk to someone about whats goig on... ya know to actually tell someone something sometimes is just relaxing. Knowing that someone else knows is sometimes helpful. But I dont know if I want to tell anyone about it. I dunno. I just have been feeling really alone lately I guess. I mean it feels like I have friends but they arent really there. Its like I am constantly surrounded by cardboard cut outs of people who used to be there. It seems like I put in all the effort with everyone. I always call people up to go out and I always plan the day and time and stuff. Its like my friends all put out their cardboard cut outs and then when I call them if they have nothing better to do then they go give their cut out a break and they actually go out wtih me. With guys especially I'm getting this feeling. Even guys I've done nothing with it seems like they are busy unless they think they can get in your pants. And who knows the rhyme or reason behind the girls... I semi get the feeling that they either do the "when I'm bored" or even worse when they want to hang out and the first question they ask is if that cute guy friend of mine will be there. Makes a girl feel special huh? I dunno I'm just gonna piss and mope about all of this for awhile because it really sucks. Maybe if I think long and hard enough about it I can fool myself into thinking I have friends that really care... I'm sure you guys do... dont get mad... just journal ranting here... but it really doesnt feel like friends lately. |
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blinkt23 | 08-05-04 9:08pm write something...im bored.
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