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| moana (profile) wrote, on 8-3-2004 at 3:04pm | |
| Music: deftones - teenager Subject: big ranting post on good things and bad |
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| there's got to be some more change in my life. i climbed your arm, but you pulled away. a new cavity moved into my heart today. the more i scream, the more it seems, now i'm through. cheers! i am going to rot in this pit-fall, this crack in the sidewalk we call our world, this weed in the pretty park of global politics. i suppose i should be upset. i suppose i'm a little upset. but i'm also kinda happy. i'm not happy because i'm staying here. not at all. hell, i've said it before and i'll say it again. i deserve better than this. i'm gonna get better than this. but i'll just have to wait, oh about 5 years, give or take. i figure, maybe i can make my mom happy, and take every single course i can while i'm here. after graduation, i'll start with fall semester, winter semester, spring semester, summer semester, any semester at whatever season they offer, and i might graduate early. if i graduate by the time i'm say 20, no way in hell my mom's gonna force me to stay here on my thumbs, right? she wants me close, i know because she loves me, and i love her too. i'm not entirely sure what i'm so happy about. it might be the fact that i'm through with the meds, or the fact that morrow morning's my final drip session for a while. maybe it has something to do with the idea that i'm mentally capable of doing this, and no matter what my mother or anyone says, i'm more mature than i should be. i feel old. but happy. like a little old lady, happy because she doesn't have any worries, and no reason to be sad. i have worries, but they're decreasing instead of increasing. i like to think i learned how to prioritize. the hard way. i still learned. i also like to think i can manage my life pretty well, considering i'm a "mentally and emotionally unstable 16 year old", and that diagnosis is by all teenage standards, not adult standards. more so, i like to think i'm not a teenage drama queen, not seriously at least. jokingly, i'm the mistress, but seriously, i think i can be pretty rational and reasonable. maybe i cry at the drop of a hat, maybe i pity small helpless animals, and maybe i complain more than anyone really should, but none of that matters, none of it should matter so long as, under pressure, when it counts, i can keep a cool head and my wits about me. my mother does not believe it. it's funny to me. how am i ever gonna be responsible and learn to take care of myself when i live with her and can't even be home alone. it's funny to me. i'm still happy. there's a point to this blabbering, i swear, and kudos for getting this far and managing to stay awake. in case you skimmed, get this. moral is, you don't need to be sad just because you have a whole list of reasons to be sad. there's always, always one good reason to be happy: you're alive. so live. every day you do live is another day you get to hear, see, smell, touch, say, learn, feel, give, receive, something new. the list goes on, there's so much we don't know, so much we haven't expereienced or learned, there's so much we want to do, so few of us are willing to die today, because there's always something left for us to do. so it's just that wonderful, that fantastic, so great that words can never be able to describe it, it's that great to be alive. |
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cowboy67 | *volcano erupts with noon*, 08-03-04 11:06pm faygo, you are fabulous. it makes me happy that there is another human being out there who not only realizes these kinds of things, but appreciates them and explains them to others. aiwa for you! |
moana | Re: *volcano erupts with noon*, 08-05-04 7:41pm laurence.
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metalhead | Oh man, 08-04-04 6:46am I love you.
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moana | 08-05-04 7:43pm i love you too.
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| Anonymous | you know the deal., 08-04-04 1:11pm
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