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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 8-5-2004 at 6:56pm | |
| Current mood: upset Music: [=] Y0u GiVE me LifE + jAS0N M0Rant Subject: I WANT TO GO HOME. |
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| the first time i've used that phrase in the context of heaven. gosh. i'm so frustrated, upset. i feel worthless and powerless, all because of this family. funny, huh? at one stance i feel like i'm the only one with my feet on the ground, the only one who cares, not thinking of myself all the time. at another point i feel like that's utterly selfish. but then on the third point i feel like it's the truth - because i'm the only one in my family who has christ, i'm the only one who knows any real truth. i love my family, yes. but i just feel so alone in it. i feel like nobody will ever understand how to live for god, because for their entire lives they've been living for themselves, or for the pleasure of others. it's hard to tear down a wall that's stood firmly since it was first built. much like it is hard to tear down the ways of life of a person who has lived them for 19 or 48 years. but i know it is possible. DUH, that's clearly stated in luke 1:37 - "for with god, nothing is impossible." but they didn't say it would be easy. of course it's not easy. i have these days of hope and these days of frustration. the days of hope, of course, are when i am with my family in christ. the other days are at this worldly home, when i find out a new thing that a family member has done wrong or when i hear a curse word uttered from someone's lips or when new drama has sprouted. i'm just so moody. not because of female things but because of ... i don't exactly know. maybe it's because of the drastic difference between my two families - i spend a week in this godly life with christ and his children, focusing completely on him with others who are radically in love with him ... and then i go home to a secular family. truth, of course, is a blessing. but it brings bitter enlightening. as i have delved deeper into my faith, as god has brought me to the deeper depths of his truth, my eyes have been taped open. things are so much more apparent, clear, and magnified. glitches in the seemingly harmless things people say are becoming neon signs. in my head, i'm starting to think, "these people don't know what the heck they're doing." but if that's what it takes to have truth, so be it. of course the positive outweighs the negative. on another note, school is starting soon, the 12th to be exact. this year will be better, spiritually, of course. so much in me wants to burst out and explode with god's love, like a confetti-filled balloon popping. i know i've said this before, but i'm not going to be so lenient, neither will i be obedient to the world - but i won't be some witch out to get everyone because they make mistakes. i know i will be tempted, i may even fall a couple times, but i know this year will be better. i got caught up a lot last year, and didn't prepare myself enough for the year. but this year god got a head start at the preparation. i just want so much to be fruitful, because i just want to please god. i can't even begin to say how much he has done for me - it's INCREDIBLE. god and his love are different kinds of phenomenon. nothing in this world could ever change my life around, nothing in this world could ever satisfy, nothing in this world could ever love more. no religion could ever change me. but my god sure did, and my god is no religion - he is a father, a savior ... and i would be SO dead, so entirely, completely, totally, eternally dead, if it weren't for him. god gives me life ... and he deserves everything in return for that, for his love. when you have god, you don't feel obligated to do things. you just do them, out of love. jesus said, "if you love me, obey me." lord, i love you ... i will obey you! not because of rules, not because of what other people think - i just love you! lord, nothing can get in the way of that! i will be disobedient at times, that is a given - but that's imperfection. i will never be like you, but i know you're getting me there. loving in return is no obligation. well i'm off to read. once again, i'm terribly behind. i was going to mention something jeremy said, but i forgot it. poo =\ man, that's gonna bother me all day... love in christ, au†umn "There was a time not long ago when I was too weak to move on A broken heart my hope was gone Then I looked up into Your eyes I was overwhelmed with love You took me up into Your arms And now I see Your wonder You give me life and now I give it back to You With everything You’ve done for me It is the least that I can do Since that day You took my hand in Yours and we danced the night away I know I’ll never be the same And what You’ve done inside of me I want everyone to see That You are now my everything You give me life and now I give it back to You With everything You’ve done for me It is the least that I can do You fill my heart with a love I’ll show the world With everything You’ve given me I could never give enough" amen to that... |
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Upchuck | 08-06-04 6:49pm What is the phrase? "Be in the world but not of it."
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aushpog | Re:, 08-06-04 10:39pm yes, i know what you're saying - i'm human, i sin. god's word says that we can hate evil. though we shouldn't let evil get us so riled up to the point of being ungodly, we should try to prevent people from it.
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Anonymous | Re: Re:, 08-06-04 10:50pm well.... i guess a lot of ppl believe that God doesnt do anything for us is bc of what they c in the christians, i mean, they c us being all faithful and prayin and stuff, but then they c us cursing and being around ppl that do bad things.
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aushpog | Re: Re: Re:, 08-06-04 11:05pm girl, you are awesome. couldn't have said it better.
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