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| dmlxoxo (profile) wrote, on 8-6-2004 at 3:46pm | |
| Current mood: relieved Music: britney spears (gah i hate her) Subject: drama updates: NOTE- part one was written at the beginning of the week just not posted, while part two is me actually talking right now (friday 8/6) |
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| PART 1 you would think that coming to an island in the middle of nowhere in the ocean would allow for an escape from drama…but you’re wrong. i should’ve known better, ive been coming here since i was born. so much has been happening out here, its worse than being at home, because here im in the thick of it. it seems that lately the boys and the girls in the group of friends that im part of have been going after eachother, everyone seems to have their “crush” or their hookup buddy in one particular case. yes, i understand its summer, and hormones are rushing, but omg give me a break. nick and victoria are hooking up, justin likes jenna, joey wants jordana, zack wants me, according to nick and as part of my own observations morgan wants me, and I could potentially, for the third summer in a row, like morgan. that’s the big problem. zack likes me….and hes not afraid to tell me. about a week ago he sat me down and told me that he liked me, it absolutely killed me to tell him that the feeling wasn’t mutual, but i tried to remind him how much i love him as a friend and a person. he was sad, for a while, and then he kept on talking to me about it. he wanted to know why mike and not him, and i was absolutely at a loss for words. its hard for me to grasp the concept that if what I see in both of them was to be put together (zack’s personality and my attraction to mike) we would have a perfect match. i was handeling the situation okay until last night when he told me something that made me feel like the stupidest person in the world. “i know what you want and i want it too, but more than that i want to be the one to give it to you, and it confuses me the most to know that if you would just give me the chance, i could make you so happy.” normally a statement like that wouldn’t bother me, but the fact was it is so true. zack has the biggest heart of anyone that i know, and I know he would do anything in the world to make me happy. he watched as his best friend was my first kiss, and encouraged it yet, because he wanted to see me happy. im stupid, i know i am. he could give me anything i wanted, and he would make me happy…if i felt the same way. everything is there but the romantic attraction. tonight he talked to me again, asking me to tell him if he was wasting his time on me, and i had to break it to him. i kept telling him that hell find someone, and his response every time was “ill never find someone as good as you”. i resent that so much, i cant stand to have him think that im the best there is, and i tried to explain to him that he will find someone better than me, because that girl will share the feeling. lately morgan and i have been really cuddly and stuff, he sits with me and holds me and it just feels….right. ive recently discovered after telling everyone that i don’t want to hook up with him that i may actually want to, but zack would be absolutely crushed. part of what ive learned about myself this summer is that im a really big flirt, and as soon as i began to flirt with morgan, zack took me aside and asked me if i wanted to hook up with him, which at that particular point in time, i didn’t…so i told him no. he then followed that with “good, because if u hooked up with morgan i would kill myself.” to turn him down and then go hook up with zacks best friend…that would be cold. but im also feeling like this is important to me, sort of a unique situation, because another thing ive learned this summer about myself is that i chase after people, trying so hard and busting my butt to make them like me. in this particular case with morgan, i don’t have to try because hes already stated that he likes me. ive tried to weigh this out, and heres what it boils down to: if i don’t hook up with morgan, i feel like ill regret it. its so different out here than it is at home. i feel like if i pass up one of the few opportunities that ill have to hook up with someone for the year, ill regret it later. people barely hook up at home, out here i can and i figure that if i don’t, ill feel stupid for not doing it during the school year when im feeling down and pathetic for having no one. i try to keep in mind [[no regrets]] but as nick asked me: which would you regret more, not hooking up with morgan, or being the reason for zack’s suicide? what to do, what to do. as weird as this is, morgan knows about the situation--word travels fast on a island this small—and he and i talked about it tonight. it seems to me that hes less conscious of the fact that zack’s heart would be absolutely pulverized if something were to happen, and hes more concerned about his own situation. he asked me who im gunna hook up with, and i told him that it wasn’t zack, i cant have that relationship with zack, it just wont happen. i hate seeing people I love hurt, but more than that, i hate being the cause of their pain. So heres the question: do i suffer to shield someone else from anguish, or do i put myself in front for once and do what feels right to me? ________________________________________________________________________ PART 2 i had heard from everyone, what they all thought i should do. i had heard from everyone about zack's mental state, and everyone was telling me different things. i knew what the deciding factor was going to be: a conversation with zack. i was kind of debating doing it, he looked so sad, i didnt want to worsen (word?) it, but i decided that thats what i needed to do. with a little push from morgan, nick and victoria, i was able to dig up enough courage within myself to talk to him. he knew right away why i was there, and all he had to say was: do what makes you happy. it was so mature of him. i told him that i was hesitant to do it though, because what makes me happy makes him sad, and i hate seeing him sad. he told me to do it, because he told me that he wanted to see me happy, and if being with morgan made me happy, then thats what he wanted to see me do. despite the fact that it was hard for him to see victoria and nick all over eachother, and now morgan and i, he wanted me to do it, because even though it was me and someone else, he would see me smiling. it was such a mature gesture, and i will never forget him for that. zack you truly are an inspiration to me---being able to put people u love before yourself is a very admirable quality, dont ever change, you're perfect the way you are. i made u one promise and i will keep it, i swear: "be happy....just please be happy." and so ends my tale. although nothing has happened up to this point but kisses, another hook up is on the way. im happy about it, i really like morgan----theres just something about him. every summer for the past 2 years, now this one, and that one year when i was like 8 or something. finally, i won him over, and i didnt have to try this summer, he liked me before i liked him :) ill keep u updated on the boy front. i spoke to my steffibear the other day. god do i miss that girl. tonights potluck dessert. im goin to dinner with nick and maybe some of my other friends first. my group has to sing a song about camp, its really retarded. (to the tune of roses: i know u might think that the 7s stink but we're stupendous campers at obyg oh oh oh, our counselors are so coo-oo-ool!) then babysitting :( ugh i hate that thats it for now, gotta go shower and get ready for tonight. xo*danielle morgan*ox |
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Lizzy | 08-06-04 8:16pm aww.
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