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| liz (profile) wrote, on 8-18-2004 at 1:36pm | |
| IM so super stressed and I dont know why. I woke up this morning and went and woke up pj. i like to do that A LOT. in fact safe to say its one of my favorite things in the world. I have to work in like 2 and 1 half hours. im uber tired. and there is something just nagging at the back of my mind. Im not sure what it is. I think I kinda know but i find it to be kinda selfish on my part and therefore I am denying it and not telling anyone because I dont want to be a nag or selfish in anyway. I think its mostly pms though. im so scared of everything right now. outside of that one thing that im super scared of because ive been doing dum things. im worried about this thing that bothers me because well pj knows it bothers me he just dosent know what it is. like i said im not sure but i have a hunch but im afraid he would be offended by it in some way. also tomorrow i have to go to cmu. this bums me out. im excited but nervous and i still find myself avoiding growing up. Im insanely jealous of jessa at this point because i see how happy she is with marty and she is in fact living my dream of skipping out on school and getting married. but that dosent seem to be an option for me. i find myself here in my family room on the verge of breaking down and for no good reason. ive just got fear enveloping me and more than anything i want to go back to this morning lying in his arms with his warm body pressed against me because even if he dosent say it Im pretty sure he loves me. or maybe im not sure and possibly thats what bothers me??? it could be an untapped insecurity because i find myself investing so much of me into him. to find out that he in fact didnt love me would kill me. or perhaps the impending 6 months that will fall on me in september. this is officially my longest relationship. i also find myself wondering about things. like high school relationships bec ause how long do they ever really last. sparatically people grow past high school and find that they still want to spend the rest of their lives together. but more often than not people grow apart. not that im thinking of marriage but i am thinking of past high school and i dont want to lose what i finally have. finally my biggest fear is that ive become clingy and dependant. he was gone for 3 days. i missed him so much. to find myself so dependent on another person is about the scariest thing for a person like me. He could say one sentence and ruin me. we broke up for one day before and i dont remember anything that was harder for me than that . and if for whatever reason he became confused again or just decided that he didnt want to be with me it would tear me apart. so i guess wow this was a big one for me. im such a rollercoaster today. |
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| Anonymous | 08-18-04 4:01pm if dont know what your worried about or how i can make it better and comfort you in anyway, but i want you to know that i do care about you although i cant just come right out and say it, i cannot help you to become less dependent on me and i cant really help you with that considering that that would be counter-productive. At the 6 month mark this will be my longest relationship too...well it already is and if you havent noticed i STILL regret breaking up w/ you more than anything i have done for quite sometime.
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Valoth | The mind., 08-18-04 8:58pm Liz all I know is this: You love Pj and you seem to worry alot. Your doing good so just remember that. And it good to know you can speak your mind. |
liz | Re: The mind., 08-20-04 10:16pm thanks kelley, hey pj and i were talking and we both agree that you are in fact awesome, and phil |
Valoth | Re: Re: The mind., 08-20-04 10:44pm ..And thank you liz, and pj. |
| Anonymous | 08-20-04 2:26am Lizzy, get better. I demand it. Pronto!
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