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| THEhairybeast (profile) wrote, on 8-19-2004 at 2:09am | |
| read sams journal -- www.woohu.com/~craziiwhitegirl ------------------------------------------------ look, what i did was worse then wrong and as fucked up as you could get. before people start commenting to this make sure you read all the comments in her journal. i wasnt going to update because i cant, it doesnt make sense to but i have to make something clear. sam said to whoever that basically she doesnt think i care because when eric found out she knew he was crying and all that and it seems like when i found out i was like "oh damn, you know?.. sorry" and its not like that. i really did start crying as soon as i got to like the second or third sentence of her entry. this thing hasnt left my mind for a second yet either sam. i cant stop crying and im in so much regret. i mean besides the fact that i did it at all, look what i fucked up. i fucked us up. and i can not stop thinking about times where i took us for granted. you seriously dont realize how much something means to you until you lose it. i mean i had a slight idea but .. its nothing compared to the actual feeling that your gone. and i dont want to argue this i really dont. what ever your mind makes up is fine. if you dont want to stay friends, then okay ill leave you alone and well never talk again. if you want to fix it somehow some way i swear to you ill give you my all and i will never do anything like that again. theres nothing a guy can give to me or do or say for that matter that can be worth jeopardizing our friendship over. i mean it is too late now, its fucked up that it took you finding out for me to realize that but i still realize it now. i cant say anything now but i keep having "flash backs", if you will.. like.. he other day when we found out about my cousin and her friends gettin pregnant at the same time we were like..hey we should do that..thatd be fun, us both pregnant.. who else would do that.... ? .. just that moment makes me so sad to think i fucked that up. and thats not even a "best".. like think about it. who else would i be that comfortable with? youre the only person that i have ever been myself to and didnt have a care in the world no about holding back. god im so fuckin stupid ughhh. theres too much at stake and i know i have no say in this but i dont want it to be done =\ i really dont.. but i cant just expect an "its okay vee" because its deff not.. its not and it never will be.. idk if we can bounce back from this its a lot to ask for. idk i really dont know. and im tired of being mean to everyone. i shouldnt be a bitch to anyone [ with the exception of my step mom ] especially not sam. so i felt like apologizing to laura : Silenced x Kid (12:56:31 AM): im sorry for calling you a geek and leaving you messages when it wasnt needed. and im sorry for anything that ive ever done to you. im sorry for the shit that i said in them comments and all the fucking names that i called you. i said shit like i knew. youre right you are a different person and im glad that you found the real you and found a group of people that love you for who you are. and thanks for helpin sam by givin your opinion, i appreciate it. Silenced x Kid (12:57:29 AM): this whole thing with sam is really making me realize how fucked up i am to people that dont even deserve it so im telling you im sorry in the most sincere way i can Silenced x Kid (12:57:32 AM): and i mean it xOnlyfOryOu144x (12:58:31 AM): im sry .. but vee i kno how tht feels ok.. i really do ... nd it hurts so i can jus imagine how sam feels.. nd i wont lie to you .. when u went out with bret it hurt me jus as bad but i wasnt gonna ruin it .. i was with tom neways but listen .. it does really hurt nd i was jus showin how i felt nd i mean vee truthfully i probally woulda expected tht from ne1 else but u so it shocked me .. im not meanin to fuck things more up but i was jus tellin her tht i really kno how it feels Silenced x Kid (1:00:25 AM): i know that i was being serious i wasnt trying to be sarcastic. and your entitled to your own opinion and i am very aware now that i am fucked up and what i did is fucked up and i cant take it back no matter how hard i try. im just apologzing to you because im thinking my mind is going crazy right now and im tired of being mean to people that didnt ask for it and you didnt ask for it. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:01:00 AM): well vee i do forgive you b/c i do get tht way too and i wont lie.. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:01:11 AM): i flip nd take shit out on other ppl alot xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:01:20 AM): nd the dont really ask for it i jus flip or someshit... Silenced x Kid (1:01:23 AM): i dont want sympathy i just want to be cool with everyone, theres no reason not to Silenced x Kid (1:01:29 AM): i know that happens to everyone Silenced x Kid (1:01:44 AM): but i just messed with you to start shit, ya know. it wasnt like that it was different Silenced x Kid (1:01:50 AM): i had no right xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:02:39 AM): nd i've realized me and you faught alot.. i mean i went all the way bac in ur journal nd its jus constant fites wid me nd u over bret nd stupid shit Silenced x Kid (1:03:07 AM): i know and me and him werent even together, its just fucking gay. Silenced x Kid (1:03:26 AM): but i did really like him way back when, i did. i wasnt trying ot hurt anybody i just wanted to behappy. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:03:44 AM): either were me and him but i admit it i still liked em then nd i jus wanted to protect him for some strang reason xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:04:05 AM): i kno .. nd i understood tht Silenced x Kid (1:04:20 AM): well id understand that i mean you two have a history i cant push that off ya know xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:05:42 AM): yeh it was a good history tht took awhile for me to let go of nd i shoulda earlier.. nd im sorry if i ever got in the middle with you and him nd if the reason he did break up with u was b.c of me i had no intention of him really dewin tht.. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:05:50 AM): he seemed happy when he was with u nd thts all i wanted xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:05:51 AM): u kno? Silenced x Kid (1:07:11 AM): well thanks for that. and i dont know if that was the reason the fag never told me, lol. but its okay because i wouldnt be happy with him if we were still together, i honestly wouldnt. me and bret arent for that. were too much to be anything other then friends. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:07:59 AM): yeh there came the day with him when i finally realized tht.. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:08:53 AM): oh yeh the day he tried to get me to cheat on my ex (when i was wid him actually) .. cuz i dunno hes jus not the "relationship " kind of person ... nd i am sorry for all the shit i said inspite of anger... when i get pissed nd i start i jus cant stop Silenced x Kid (1:10:34 AM): its okay im not the kind of person to take it to heart normally. but stuff from people that i really really care abut i do.. i mean i care about you even if we dont always get along but i mean your not always around and stuff so you call me a bitch or something and i laugh. i mean before this sam thing i could honestly take that and be like..yea right i couldnt if i tried but now i cant.. bc i am a bitch a stupid bitch as you said. i fucked this shit up and i just idk.. i cant explain Silenced x Kid (1:10:42 AM): thanks for accepting my apology xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:12:01 AM): you arent a stupid bitch trust me .. like i said i said it inspite of anger cuz it was a day when me nd matt had gotten into a fite nd i was gettin sick nd shit nd u were the one who imed me nd it jus got to me .. so i am sorry for that to xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:12:06 AM): and your welcome Silenced x Kid (1:13:06 AM): im sorry if i known i wouldnt have bothered, even tho i shouldnt have in the first place. and i am a stupid bitch, maybe not for IMing you the other day but for this bullshit i caused with sam i am. i cant defend that Silenced x Kid (1:13:12 AM): id be lying if i agreed with you Silenced x Kid (1:14:38 AM): and im not trying to make it so i have people on my side with this i seriously just dont want any enemies right now, its the last thing i could use. and this soo makes you re-think your lifestyle. as crazy as that may sound. shit, i myself am i on sams side. xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:15:52 AM): well i wnt lie.. i have been in the same spot as you as well .. b4 i realized how it really hurts ppl .. and i was stupid at tht time.. but jus try to look forawrd to the best tht u can nd things will eventually get better... i admit it when shit got bad wid me kate mo nd eveyr1 i did run nd i did run to eastern but i ran b/c i didnt wanna be in a place tht i was gonna be unhappy b/c i knew there was nothin i could do to fix what i did .. but as time went on.. things got better.. now i kno you cant switch sko0ls 0r n0thin but if i w0ulda kn0wn tht shit w0ulda g0tten settled with me nd them later 0n i w0uldnt 0f... but things will get better Silenced x Kid (1:20:22 AM): but see, you had a crowd. i have sam. she is the ONLY person in this world who understands me who i am myself to who seriously loves me for me and helped me be me. and i can not believe that i was so selfish enough to jeopardize that. i knew that i couldnt live without her yet i continued to talk to eric until all my thoughts ate me alive and i just wanted to stop. and it came back to haunt me. and i doubt shed belive me but i have been thinking about it for the past 4 or 5 months..since w.e it happened. ive been trying to figure out ways to just tell her because not telling her was getting to be worse. and i am, saddly, relieved a bit just because i finally dont have anything hidden form her anymore and that sounds even more fucked up to say but its the honest truth. but like i said, i hvae sam, thats one person who knows the real me and who im comfortable enough to be me with. and i ruined that i seriously ruined that xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:24:16 AM): vee i kno .. shit gets hard nd you do things you later regret i have done em too .. nd yeh i was in a crowd nd u had sam .. but still same difference.. i lost the crowd you lost sam .. things in life happen that cant really be explained.. nd in ways it sux... but then again once its over with u see why it happened there is alwayz a result to why it happened.. yeh you probally shoulda tried nd stopped it but yes it was probally the spur of the moment.. it builds up in u when you keep secrets from your best friends and then if and when they find out it is really bad .. but still hopefully if u give her a lil time she will look bac on all the times you and her had nd stuff .. and realize tht this was the only time u ever fucked up outa 4 years nd tht u are a best friend nd even tho you may be her BEST friend you are still capable of makin a mistake or too.. Silenced x Kid (1:27:37 AM): i understand that i do, and ive seen it that way, ive looked at this from every aspect. but the thing is, its eric. he is the thing she loves more then me. and i messed with that. he is the only thing that she has ever seriously gotten mad at me for. she loves him like crazy and shed pick him over me. she already is, i mean sure its harder to belive that ME of all ppl would do taht and its even worse taht seh saw that note, and "guys will be guys" blah blah blah, but still. this is a really big mistake to make. and i should know better not to do that shit... its eric for christ sake Silenced x Kid (1:28:52 AM): but then again, its not like i was alone he said and had just as many "ideas" as i did xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:31:43 AM): i get tht... nd i kno what its like to pick a b/f over a best friend .. i almost lost all my friends once again this year when i started datein matt.. and i loved him mroe then anythin and when my friend tried gettin with him it jus made me be like i dont trust ne of them .. i accused every1 single one of them about tryin to get with him .. nd she was jus protectin him i guess.. nd yes i agree with you on thtt it was him too and he isnt gettin really what he should.. i get she loves him nd he loves her.. but if she could jus stay with him while lettin this go but isnt your friend to me is messed up ... and hopefully she will realize tht.. if she could stay with him and work it out then she shoulda been able to stay ur friend nd work it out.. the diff. with me nd my friend was tht i only knew her for a few months never rreally chylled with her outside of sko0l alot .. but it was still my friend tryin to take him .. but you and her have many years where you 2 have been friends xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:31:50 AM): nd i really hope truthfully that she wont let tht go Silenced x Kid (1:33:14 AM): thank you xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:33:23 AM): yup xOnlyfOryOu144x (1:59:57 AM): vee.. i hope u kno tht even tho we dont get along to much i am stil here if you need to tlak .. i mean you were one of my really good friendz 8th grade nd i alwayz keep this 1 promise no matter what even if we hate eachother i'll stil try to help ya kno:-\ Silenced x Kid (2:03:09 AM): okay ill keep that in mind. and i say the same goes for you. i dont even have any reason to not get along with you now. in my eyes were more friends then enemies. and you are staying true to this promise your talkin about as we speak considering i IMed you out of nowhere, once again, and you stayed talking to me and giving me your experiences and advice, so thank you very much. and i dont see reason for us not to be friends, i mean i dont dislike or hate you. i just basically wanted to start shit. and were better off being friends or ppl that talk and listen to one another then nothing. if you want to talk im here, i am a good listener xOnlyfOryOu144x (2:03:57 AM): iite thanks vee nd u have a good point.. well im goin to bed i have to get up at like 9:30 to go to the beach.. xOnlyfOryOu144x (2:04:01 AM): i'll talk to you tomrrow ok Silenced x Kid (2:04:14 AM): okay, have fun xOnlyfOryOu144x (2:04:17 AM): thanx xOnlyfOryOu144x signed off at 2:04:23 AM. ugh. i wish this could just go away.. sam is the person that i would be talking to right now because i need to just talk but i cant do that because shes the person that i hurt. ugh man i wish this would just stop or pause for a second so i could just talk to her. i cant even express it in here theres to many thoughts. |
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| Anonymous | 08-19-04 7:30pm Vee u werent the only one who did something so its not all ur fault so im on ur side :) eric was wrong to so u shouldent get all the blame
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| Anonymous | 08-19-04 7:30pm Vee u werent the only one who did something so its not all ur fault so im on ur side :) eric was wrong to so u shouldent get all the blame
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| Anonymous | 08-19-04 7:30pm Vee u werent the only one who did something so its not all ur fault so im on ur side :) eric was wrong to so u shouldent get all the blame
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THEhairybeast | Re:, 08-19-04 8:19pm thanks =\ |