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| upchuck (profile) wrote, on 9-28-2004 at 10:12am | |
| Current mood: tired Music: Sounds: Martin Luther King Jr. Speeches Subject: I am the rock; I should be strong, but I cannot summon the strength |
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| Right now, I don't know what to do. I am so tired. Tired of my job. Tired of these long nights. Tired of getting home from work when the sun is coming up. Life could be good. Life could be grand. But now, put a paper bag on my head and I would just give up than rather to try to find my way out. It really kills when there are two things in my life right now that are horrible stressors, and all I want to do is to avoid them both like the plague (yes, I know, a coloqualism). Both my job at BP, which will be over on Thursday, but still, I want it to be done now, and my Spanish class. Spanish is funny. I'm funny. I don't mean in the ha-ha funny way, in the I can't figure it out for the life of me funny. Can it be that hard? When your dealing with a schedule like mine it can be. When your used to being able to wrap your mind around a concept it can be. When you can't, for the life of you, find any way to become motivated to do the necessary work it can be. This isn't high school. This is college. I feel like I'm letting the prof down. I feel like I'm letting my classmates down. I also feel like I'm letting myself down, not only me now, but my future. So much of my future hinges on me being able to learn the concepts of a language so foreign and I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to be able to relax, but everything has become a trap to me. I want time. I want to be able to go into the forest when I feel like it. I want to be able to do things when I feel I can. I don't want my bedroom to feel like a trap where I spend my unconscious time. I don't want my car to feel like my escape from a situation I don't want to be in. But a trap in itself, because no matter how far I'd like to run I'm still stuck inside my own head. I desparately want something to grasp onto. Something to distract me from the stark reality that is slowly beginning to reveal itself to me. I want life to be something other than what it is turning into. Why can't I live that life? Where did that change? When did I lose my idealism? Where did my innoncence go? How will my sense of justice be restored? Really I want to fall on my face before God and ask Him what to do. But I don't know how to do that right now. I need prayer, I need fellowship, I need Him now more than ever. All I do is tell Him that, but it was very obvious this weekend that the desire is not there on my part. The call to desire that was given seems unattainable for me. Now, I don't know what to do. We all struggle. I just don't seem much of a way back to contentment right now. It's been a bad stretch, and I don't know how much strength I have to renew myself again. But it will pass, and when it does, I will be grateful. |
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brianna | 09-28-04 12:14pm There are many things I had in reply to your entry, to your thoughts, to your feelings, but they all seemed shallow and empty. You stated everything so beautifully- I can almost feel your pain and taste your frustration. Oh Charlie, I'm sorry about everything that's going on. I wish there was something I could say- something I could do--- but I don't know what and every attempt seems futile on my part. So I'm sorry. The only thing I can think of to do is tell you that I love you, that I'm here if you do ever need someone to talk to, and give you a hug. But most importantly, Charlie, I'll pray for you. I love you.
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