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| mle (profile) wrote, on 10-13-2004 at 2:29pm | |
| Current mood: numb Music: acoustic-ness Subject: |
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all those things left undiscovered leave me empty and left to wonder i need you, i need you, yea... there's a million reasons why i cry hold my covers tight and close my eyes cause i don't want to be alone . undiscovered . ashlee simpson . words just aren't coming easily anymore. who decided i just wasn't cut out for the life i want to live? who decided i was supposed to deteriorate like this? who decided i would spent my days sitting in the lounge, crying on the phone? high school was so sheltered. i wasn't the smartest, the most athletic. i wasn't the prettiest, the most popular. i wasn't the richest, the most respected. but i was somebody. i had a name. here, i'm just another anonymous face in the crowd. on my way to classes, i see faces i will never see again in my four years on campus. i don't even recognize people in my econ class of 40 students. no one knows my name. no one knows me. no one loves me. back in high school, not a single person dropped out in my grade until senior year... and none of those 4 people dropped out... they were kicked out. here... people drop out more often than i shower. (and i shower twice a day most days.) there have been 2 girls from my floor who dropped out, katherine's pre-med-genius friend... a handful from the james madison freshman class. i don't think i can handle the stench of failure on this campus. (or is that just beer and puke?) jesus christ - i live on the honors floor, why are these people dropping out? with each name i hear of people who have dropped out, i keep thinking to myself: "that could be me... why isn't that me? that should be me." i've gone home twice in the past 4 days... each time i go home, i get smacked with reality. everyone expects the most out of me. i was the anal-retentive type-A overachiever in grade school and high school. my siblings didn't emerge until college. therefore, i should bypass them. and i want to. dammit, i want to graduate with high honor from the honors college and james madison college. i want a masters in social work and a law degree from nothing less than notre dame or u of m. i want to study abroad as many times as i (and my parents) can afford. but i can't. every day that is engraved deeper and deeper into my mind. i think every week is just a tough week.. it will get better. it doesn't. will i ever escape this horrible, horrible place? and who actually gets the flu from the flu shot? seriously, now. anyone want a semi-infected, gently-worn body? sell, lease, or trade. cash and paypal gladly accepted. |
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spud | 10-14-04 3:44pm aww.
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