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| TaoMan1121 (profile) wrote, on 10-28-2004 at 8:21pm | |
| Music: Monty Python's Flying Circus Subject: I want to know... |
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| The problem with being hard-working, responsible, unwavering, is that when you are faced with free time you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and uselessness. What am I not doing that I should be? How can I possibly let myself relax when there's so much to be done? The graduate school application process is killing me. There is so much that has to be done, and when I'm not thinking about something else, I find myself obsessing over the whole thing. I did accomplish a fair amount today, but I still feel like I'm drowning in this sea of my future. The order tonight for grad schools goes: Queens College, Nevada-Reno, Western, and then the rest. I'm liking the concept of getting lost in a sea of people and become this insignificant cog in a larger wheel. I also like the idea of going out West; they say Lake Tahoe is beautiful. I was right about my future, my life. I'm still waiting for it to happen, and there's nothing I can do about it until a certain period of time elapses. As the past month or so has demonstrated, I can enjoy my time and my life and reach "my happy place," only still come spiraling back down and revert back to all of my old jaded cynicism (that's this week). Yes, life fluctuates; but I feel little stability in either. Perhaps I have felt more stability with my happiness this go around, but when I'm constantly faced with the fear of discontent and lapse, compiled with my insanely busy schedule, I can't find much time to enjoy it. I want answers. I'm sick of rhetorical statements and questions that disperse into thin Woohu air as soon as they are stated. Why are things like this? I know it's going to change, but when? Will things change magically when at the beginning of the year and will this Christmas be the catharsis I'm expecting it to be? How I do react if they aren't? The vindication I've desperately been waiting has now been self-ascribed, but will I ever hear anything from an outside party? What good is it if no one is there to vouch for it? How can I possibly be content with holding so much back? My zen moments are presented in short intermittent schedules of reinforcement, as if they were a five-second orgasm, that first bite of a warm pizza, or a brief connection with nature. It's here, and then it's gone. And it's worth continuing alone just for the search for that next high, but afterwards, all you are left with the reality of it all. And reality, whether it's good or bad, is still an insanely heavy load to carry. And for perhaps the first time in my life, I hear a number of other voices sharing my discontent, my frustration, and my cynicism. That momentarily comforts me and then it depresses me. It I were simply an anamoly, we could simply cut off the diseased branch and the tree would continue to live. But what if the cancer has already spread to far, reached too many people? I want to know what we fight for. I want to know what we believe in. |
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Leeder5421 | 10-29-04 6:01pm Answer your phone, bitch, and we can talk about this.
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TaoMan1121 | Re:, 10-29-04 11:13pm Thanks for the the level-headed and useful reminder about my choices. Deep down, no matter what my mood is, I know it'll all work out OK, because it always has. |