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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 10-31-2004 at 8:32pm | |
| Current mood: [=] as your voice fades + emery Music: [=] as your voice fades + emery Subject: DESPERATION. |
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| this is one of those journals where you can sense the tone of desperation. so man i've just been covered in sin. covered. at least, in my own definition. and at first i thought it was sudden, and then tim was talking this morning and it felt like he was talking directly to me- and i realized it all started with something small. it really did. it started with me slacking off with god- not reading his word, and thus not having my time with him. i was basically neglecting him. and then satan started to whisper in my ear and his voice became louder, all because i wasn't focusing on god. all these other noises were just pounding in my brain, overriding His. and then i became stuck. and then i woke up and this enormous sin clouded over my thoughts and i said to god, "but god... it's so hard! can't i just..." and then i snapped out of it and was like, autumn, you're going insane! man. and who was i to think that nothing bad would come from shoving my bible in a dusty corner? someone completely stupid. so it's good i heard god speaking to me. now i just have to keep listening. sometimes i realize that it's all about me, me talking to god, not vice versa. it's about me and what i want. it's about me and not him, and from there everything gets so screwed up. i mentioned this in the last entry... about old feelings coming back again. let me get specific. before jesus took me up in his arms- which he had tried to do before but i was completely unaware- it was just me. i guess now people can't imagine there being a dark side to me, but there was. i mean, i wasn't physically harming myself or putting myself into illegal situations, but that doesn't mean my heart wasn't cold. it was. looking back, i can't believe how selfish i was. i took every small thing to heart- i got teased and made fun of a lot, for one thing or another. but i always acted like nothing bothered me, because i was prideful. i kept telling myself to hold my head high- to not let people see my vulnerability. and i know it sounds really cheesy, but guys, i cried all the time. i cried because i felt hated, i felt that my friends weren't real friends. i needed someone, apart from my parents, who cared, who loved me. i didn't really know that then, but now i see it. my relationships were empty. every little thing was just magnified by my emotions. sometimes i look back and wonder if i was in some sort of stage of teenage depression or something. and last night one feeling came back, and then i felt like i was starting all over again. it was like that one feeling just brought me down totally- and then these big bold words flashed in my head: "wow. i'm depressed." it was just one feeling that triggered the past, and the past triggered old thouhts and feelings. it was WEIRD. it's like you're standing on top of a chair and all of a sudden you sink down and fall- like so much positive change has occurred and then you are smacked to the ground, to do it all over again. but i'm not depressed. that's the thing. it was like satan was saying, "hey autumn... remember how it felt in sixth, seventh grade? remember that? you're feeling it now. here it comes again." and i was like, whoa, you're right... it's somewhat of a placebo. it was like, if i thought i was depressed, then i started to FEEL depressed... does that make any sense? think of a real placebo used for surveys and medical reasons- we're studying this in stat. like if you give one person the placebo and say "yup, it'll relieve you of your nervous condition" then it is quite possible and highly likely that the person will be nice and dandy- not because of the sugar pill but because of the psychological thing. is this making sense? and this is all a prime example of why god wants us to use our heads, not just our hearts, to know him and love him. i think that is one big thing i have over satan- he can sure get me all emotional and touchy, but when the facts come in, it's like... BOO-YAH, SATAN! WHAT NOW?! and more and more all these things are coming in to play- a lot of the things i've talked about here, i've been having to use them. for instance, with all the sin that's been floating around me, i have to just push it aside and replace those thoughts with godly ones, instead of fighting them. and sometimes i want to think those thoughts, and then i have to talk to god. i HAVE to. i have to say, "god, it's SO hard, i want to think that thought! help me here!" sometimes i just realize how dumb i am. yeah, i'm this straight-a kid, but that isn't crap when it comes to god. let me tell you, i make the dumbest mistakes. why am i willing to sacrifice my world, my life, my savior, my father, my reason, my friend, my EVERYTHING- why am i willing to sacrifice all that for one thought, for one stupid sin that only temporarily pleases me? WHY? i don't get it. i try to find all these worldly solutions when the real solution is right there, right in front of me. it's like all those surreal teenage love stories, where they say, "i was looking for love! and all the while you were standing right in front of me!" but instead there's no making-out scene, no i-love-you-baby. there's just me and god, and i'm asking so much forgiveness, knowing that i will sin again, knowing that i don't deserve anything god gives me. and it reminds me that i'm a perfectly flawed human, not anywhere near god. not even in the same league, much less the same UNIVERSE. why do we always go toward satan's way and our own distorted image of passion and counsel when the real one is infinity-times-more accessible, truthful, genuine, real... it baffles me. and it's why i get so disgusted with myself sometimes. and then god reminds me that if i just trust him... i'm taken care of. i find myself getting depressed over things like, "this person doesn't like me" or "this person doesn't want to be friends with me" or "this person is too cool to care about me" or "i'm just not good enough for them" and so on and so forth. i hate it. but despite that, sometimes it still consumes me. it just takes me back because that was sixth and seventh grade autumn, longing for anybody cool to give me a second glance. sometimes i wonder if it's true, and it controls me. and it's so stupid because i'm not like that, that's not who god made me to be- i have the greatest friends. i just want to be closer to some of them. not because i idolize them, but because i see something in them that makes me want to be able to confide in them, and them in me. what is it about that feeling? ahh. history homework. somebody say something- let me know somebody hears me, that i'm not insane! love in christ, autumn somebody please tell me what am I suppose to do you died and i'm here thinking that i hear your voice, but it's somebody else it's always somebody else why did you die? don't leave me please i beg you God tonight bring me peace i'll never sleep without the dreams of you alive here with me the brightness left your eyes as i held your face don't tell me it's the right time and your last words will sustain me until my end...until i see you again while words (your life) evade me (but a moment) i'll wait to (i'll cling to) remember you (forever) and what you had (your words) meant to me (on my blood) could never be forgotten the chains (why) of death (don't take) are falling (away), but my heart still bleeds it longs for (why) the day (did you die) when we will be as one |
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| Anonymous | 11-02-04 9:58am hey aut!
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aushpog | Re:, 11-02-04 11:44am thanks so much for responding! somebody hears me!
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Anonymous | Re: Re:, 11-02-04 4:44pm no problem!
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