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	TaoMan1121 (profile) wrote, on 11-8-2004 at 2:10pm
Current mood: secretive Music: Franz Ferdinand - Come On Home
I wrote this Friday, 8 or 9pm-ish, during my family gathering at my Mom's house. I didn't have internet access at the time, so I share now: "A couple things running through my head today. The first is my on-again, off-again desire for domestic tranquility (i.e. my desire to settle down, find a job, start a family) and my longing to hold onto some of my adolescent freedom. I don’t normally find myself wanting to grow up overnight, but when I look at my oldest cousin and his adorable son, I think, 'Yeah, I can see myself there.' But then I remember, I don’t think I have ever had as much freedom in my life as I do right now. No strings attached; I can do just about anything I want, go anywhere I want, the world is on a string, blah blah blah. I guess I just want my cake and to eat it too; I want someone to care for/to care about me and still have my freedom in the process. (That's all I ever really wanted). The other issue is my mother’s house. They’ve been in this place (I’m here now) for ::counts:: two years and a handful of months, and ever since I lived here the summer of 2002 and left to go back to school, there’s been something about this house that’s, to put it bluntly, depressed and even scared me about this house. I have trouble spending a lengthly period of time here, especially alone, and the only times I can remember spending the night here in a while I’ve had company. Leaving to go back to Kalamazoo from Hudsonville at night or at the end of a weekend stay, I’ll often have issues with no explicable cause, and tonight, taking the greatest shower in recent memory (I love high pressure shower heads), a hypothesis occurred to me. This house is haunted. Haunted by the memories of past memories and past loves. You see, there’s no lengthy history here like there is at my Dad’s house; no secure, stable period to form a solid base to lean upon (i.e. I don’t feel entirely safe here). My earliest memories with this house were paired with the ending of my first relationship and the 2002 Grand Haven affair (no pun intended). Anyway, moving on, those feelings are not here tonight, not yet anyway, and I have about as much explanation for their absence than I did for their presence. Saw Incubus last night at Michigan State. Great show and I had a good time with Leeder and his friends/roommates. So that was fun. And that’s about all I’ve got for now." Jason's Hindsight = 100%: Went home Friday night from my Mom's house without incident, partially because the party was a good time and because I was able to enjoy Nick Cave's new double CD which my grandma had given me earlier that evening. I'm actually kinda looking forward to going back home (to my Mom's house) this weekend for a wedding.
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