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| justadreamer (profile) wrote, on 12-4-2004 at 3:23pm | |
| Current mood: discontent Music: "The Runaway" - Something Corporate Subject: You better not, you better not run... |
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| I don't deserve him. Did they think I was kidding when I said that? And yet they turn around and pretty much tell me the exact thing, even after denying me the pleasure of just accepting that fact and moving on before he could get anymore attached to me. That would be unfair to him though. And even after everything I've put him through he's still there claiming to love me. So what do I do when I realize that I might just love him as well? My mind begins to tell me that I shouldn't trust him, he's lying to me, he doesn't really love me. Do you know how hard it is to try and convince yourself that you're lying to yourself? Especially when you're so used to just accepting the lies. They say trust your instincts, but if I do that now, will I be ruining something great? They said he's not shallow enough to just say those things without meaning them. He says those kinds of things sometimes, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even know me, that he doesn't even care. Does he know that's how he makes me feel? Does he know that sometimes I just wish he could see through my facade so that maybe he'll know how I'm really feeling? That sometimes I want nothing more than for him to just look at me and KNOW that there's something wrong? Maybe we haven't been close enough for that kind of thing to have taken place yet, but I wish. I wish that I could just be completely see through so everyone will just know how much I'm suffering even if I don't really seem to have a reason. Sometimes I could just scream from frustration. I shouldn't pay any mind to these thoughts. It's so hard to ignore them, though. I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way I look. I'm going to change it. So why am I sitting here? Because I'm too lazy to make a stand and change. I'll do it though. I just have to find a way. And I will. Maybe then I'll feel like I deserve something good for once. My mind is so mixed up I can't even keep up with a steady stream of thoughts. I need to do my math work, but won't it wait until Satuday School? Yes, I have to go to Saturday School because I get sick so easily and I've missed over 10 days of school. I am a weak person with a weak immune system. But I have to go now. I've got to go do.. something. I don't know what yet, but I'll figure it out. Be safe everyone. |
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ears | 12-04-04 3:58pm Yeah, life will do that to you. |
| Anonymous | Hey its Tawn, 12-06-04 9:24pm I havent read this journal in a long time. lol so yea.
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dragon-bearer | 12-11-04 2:06am *hug* |