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| brownsugar (profile) wrote, on 12-7-2004 at 11:38pm | |
| Current mood: okay Music: time after time- cindy lauper Subject: That uncontrable feeling of "say what?" |
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| I don't know how to explain it, I'm just at a loss of words. I have experianced so many emotions in the last whatsoever years. But I think the absolute worst of them, next to being left taken advantage of, is the feeling of being told you are stupid and that "psh you don't know the feelings I'm feeling cuz I'm so much more experainced than you". Well, you know what bitch? You may think you know so much but seriously you're the stupidest dumbshit I know. You think you know so much and OH YAH you've experianced a hell of a hell lot, well honey you have no idea what I've experianced so quit judging and go run away from here and leave me alone. Emotions are so hard to control and annoying people are hard to get away from. I swear, OK I know this is not nice, but some people can be so annoying and you just want to get away from them. I hate how some people act it's just that their presence annoys me. And emotions that you can sometimes feel are so uncontrollable it's like a pang that goes straght through your heart and it just won't leave that place. One little thing can effect me so much, let it be and attitude some one has or just their goddamn annoyingness. The thing about me is if I feel something, it stays for a little while and then my perception of that person changes all over again. It's so easy for a person to get me to reach uncontrollable hapiness and so easy for them to get me to uncontrollable saddness. I am having way too many mood swings these days and I seriously need to stop, and I dunno what's happening but I've had my period for two weeks now, is that bad? It just won't leave and it's really really annoying me. I had a memory of the time I ran away today in school. And for some reason I suddenly got that feeling of saddness I had felt on that exact day. I remember it so clearly. It was a debate trip I was on and I was so sad because it was so many things piled up on top of eachother. Stupid things yes, but things. And everyone I tried to reach to to get my feelings out to weren't there. I swear, I called up ALL of my friends that day and no one could talk. I called my mom and even she couldn't talk to me. Everyone was busy in their own fucking lives. And I had felt so sad then because so much had happend in that day and I just couldn't control it and burst out into uncontrollable tears. I sat in a corner underneath the stairs of this gigantic school and just sat there crying and crying and crying. It was about stupid stuff though, it was just my body and my brain giving away to that sudden feeling of that depression. There wasa door next to the te stairs which I was sitting under. I got up and just left through the door. That was it, I couldn't take all this shit anymore, I was gonna be a quitter and I was gonna be a coward. I just coulnd't TAKE IT. Then the door shuts behind, no more turning back the door once it was closed was one of thsoe automatic lock doors. So I leave and I keep on walking and walking away from the school across the football field and onto a main deserted pitch dark road in the middle of some scary ghettos. I don't stop waling though and I speed up gradually cuz I'm getting sort of scared of the shadows. Then I turn to the side and I see some scary big muscley men. I freaked out, I didn't know what to say or do or anything and then they see me and then they laugh and mutter something to eachother. And here I am, now gradually walking faster and then they start walking. They're walking in my direction and I freak out and then they start running towards me. I couldn't believe it I went crazy and I ran and ran and ran. I didn't do anything but run, I didn't look back I just ran and didn't stop. Before I realized it, it turns out I had run back to the school. There it was the school, the front doors of the gigantic school with people standing outside of it, and my face dried out with tears. I remember that site like it was just yesterday. The lights are shinning from the inside to the out, there are yellow schoolbuses all around and then to the left of me on the steps I see Arpit and he says "what are you doing here?" and I say "Oh.. I don't have a debate this round" and then he says "well then go watch one!" I respond "what are you doing out here??." And thus the conversation goes on. I'll never forget how that kid made me feel better by just talking to me. It was about something stupid but still that confort you get withen yourself when some one talks to you is like none other. Today in school I felt the exact same way, not to that extreme, but at lunch all i was trying to do was GET AWAY GET AWAY GET AWAY. Get away from people in general. I walked out at one point and then I realize, ok its snowing/raining outside so I can't go anywhere so I take the elevator back to the library and went back to my daily routine as if everything was normal. As normal as it could be |
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xxinterrupted | 12-07-04 10:27pm Your icon is awesome. <3 |