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| toki (profile) wrote, on 12-9-2004 at 8:25am | |
| Current mood: Pooey |
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| So yes. I'm here. At school. I should be home. And I could be at home. But my mom pulled the whole guilt thing when I asked to stay home today. So today better go by quickly. Just because I really don't feel like dealing with it. You guys should all see In America. Good movie. I cried, but that's just me. So yeah. Ryan called last night. And I wanted him to call. He calls everynight. But when he started to talk to me, I just died. I couldn't find anything to say to him. He was talking about being sick and his comic books and how much fun going to dinner was. I had a billion things I wanted to talk to him about. But he doesn't care. No one really does. Everytime I would try to tell him something, he would be distracted by something. So yeah. I gave up on talking to him. And eventually he left because he was tired and we weren't saying anything anyways. I'm fine listening to him go on about his day. I don't get bored with it. I don't know. It just feels like sometimes when I talk, he's not listening at all. Or he doesn't care. And it scares me right now that I'm freaking out about something like this. Because I know what's going to happen. He's going to get sick of my constant complaining about some event in my life. Whether it's family or friends or school. Then he'll get annoyed with my random bad moods. Then it'll be how I don't tell him when somethings bothering me. Then it'll be over. And this probably soudns so stupid to all of you reading this, but I don't care. I feel stupid right now. I don't know if I really am doing the right thing here. I really do like him. Alot. But am I doing the right thing by getting so close to him? I don't want to get uber close to someone only for them to realize how irrational I am and have them leave me. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just walked away from this. But that's selfish of me. And I know that. I just don't want to get hurt, but by doing that I'd only hurt him. Which wouldn't be fair. I've realized that I have made myself so incredibly numb. To everything. Things that should affect me just make me shrug. It's not fair. I feel like I'm in a dream-state most of the time. That if I just close my eyes, that the world will go away. That I won't be there. That I wouldn't have to be a part of anyone's life. That I wouldn't run the risk of hurting more people. I just want to disappear. The thing is though, if I leave him, who will I have? Plus I'd miss him way too much. More then anyone knows. Even him. I don't want to be a burden on him or anyone else though. I don't know what to do. He's not a jerk. This has nothing to do with him being a bad guy. It has to do with me. My rant ends here. Or I'll piss people off. And that's bad -Patrice |
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anytngbtordinary | 12-09-04 5:06pm Patrice...to try and scare you out of this phase....you sound like me a few months ago. And thats bad and i know you know that. lol. Yeah, you shouldnt really want to hurt people, and if you do it probably wouldnt be on purpose (i dont know cuz im not you...i dont know your motives or whatever). Dont worry. If you really care about Ryan, you have to show him that, hes obviously there for you if you need to talk... So go to him... don't worry that he will get sick of you... if you worry about whats going to happen...you cant ever enjoy what is happening...you'll ruin it. (advice from Casey -.-) Casey is actually pretty helpful with this stuff though... anyway...yeah. I'm not too good at conclusions either hehe ^.^
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