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| thedarkerside (profile) wrote, on 2-1-2003 at 7:23pm | |
| Current mood: Weird... Music: Mary J. Blige- I'm going down Subject: Lots of stuff.... |
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| Time on my head .. since you've been away boy.. i aint got no plans no no no no..and the sound of the rain against my window pain is slowly slowly driving me insane...Boy..i'm going down...i'm going down... cuz you aint around..baby..my whole worlds up side down sleep dont come easy boy please beleive me since you've been gone everythings going wrong..... I like this song....very pretty and full of soul. I suggest you download it. Its an oldie, but it rocks and pays off if you're in a sad/sappy mood. Last night was basicly ruined..my mom ruined it of course...nothing new. I have so much to worry about..school...frieds..home...keepin my grades up or i'll seriously get a kick in the ass. God...If i get any bad grades..my mom freaks when i get a B, I get the internet taken away. Just the way she says it its just..different..it tears you apart. I went in my room to be alone and write. I turned the radio on and just blew everything out on paper...I dont know if I'll type the entry out or not...I'm tired of being unhappy and I think that rereading what i wrote from last night will make me think about it and feel angry again. So anyways I went in my room to be alone then my sister comes in my room, sits on my bed, then turns on the tv. Then she has the nerve to ask me to turn off the radio. Then she starts snooping through my personal boxes! (I have shoe boxes that are personally painted and i keep photos and old stuff in there for sentemental reasons and its great...i like that) So I just blew up on her. "Ashley! LEAVE NOW! The reason why I came in here was to be ALONE! LEAVE!" I felt like the biggest bitch but I needed her out..I think if I waited any longer I would have gone balistic. I was grounded off the internet lastnight..I forgot to mention that. Because I left the towels in the washer and didnt put them in the dryer. I know..totally rediculous I know. That was right after the whole "Id be worried if I were you" speech from my mom. So naturally I was jus so pissed. After my sister left I started crying. Everything is just such a big mess right now.. Nothing seems right anymore.. People get mad at me...then my buisness is spread and I have other friends walking up to me telling me that so and so is mad at me asking why and why arent you talking to her blah blah blah... I dont need that shit..I give up. Nothings worth fighting for if it tears you up inside and I'm done with it for now. What happens will happen. Home is a whole nother story. God I've complained about it but really havent explained much of it and I dont really want to because then I'll start crying (i'm already on the verge) and then my sister will be in my face asking whats wrong. As sincer as she means, she is annoying and never really tries to help. I'll never forget what happened this summer when I had a break down and just was seriously balling my eyes out at the beginning of my depression and having no one to talk to and my sister cried with me. I think in some way it made us a little closer but not much. I cant think about that without thinking abotu what happend after...Me trying to confied in my mom and talk to her about how I felt and her getting in defence mode and yelling at me and not understanding me. Now I'm crying.. I shouldnt have gone into it. But i'll just leave it at this..theres alot of shit...ALOT that I havent told anyone ever...not even my best friend at the time. I dont think I'll ever talk about it..I just hope it will go away and everything will be the way it was before...even though I'm starting to think it never will. No one would have guessed that I'm a basket case full of emotion lol...well.. i am... I cry practicly everyday lol.. One thing i've told my self is never to cry in public or at school..it would be terrible because I dont think I'd stop crying. I have only cried once in public... a couple weeks ago.. I just was having a bad day...Corey McCan, Aaron Lindsley, and MacKenzie Mcormack (god i'm probably murdering their names i cant spell) Asked me what was wrong on the bus.. I wasnt crying or anything.. I didnt think it showed that much...i replied "Nothing..I'm fine" but I knew they could see it and my eyes just got wattery and MacKenzie said "aww honey whats wrong...whatever it is dont worry about it." I've always thought that she was conceided but at that moment I felt kindof releived..No one has ever showed so much concern for me especially when they dont know me...no one has. And Corey tried to lighten me up by saying "What'd your sister do this time..she been givin you shit...I should know she does it to me all the time" He doesnt even know my sister. I had to turn my head after that though because the evidence of tears trickling down my face were probably more obvious than my facial expression of not having a good day. I've turned a perfectly good entry into sadness.. i hope i dont make anyone cry lol. My cat has come to greet me now..He knows I'm sad by the look he gave me..Im out. |
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| Anonymous | 02-01-03 8:39pm hey this is amanda , i hope u were not talking about me when u said "friends have been asking me why aren't u talkign to so and so or are u mad at so and so" because i did ask u that about sheely. If that was about me i am reallllly sorry! :-( i had no idea that u felt like u said in your entry. I luv you so much , please forgive me. And i am always heer for u if u ever need to talk. |
thedarkerside | Re:, 02-02-03 10:29am Oh amanda I wasnt talkin about you! LOL Thanks though, Its nice to know that you are there if I need to talk and it might be soon...:-D |
Amber | 02-06-03 9:51pm AMY I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!
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Amber | 02-06-03 9:51pm AMY I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!
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