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tuwang (profile) wrote,
on 4-29-2002 at 10:02pm
Current mood: pissed off
Music: 311 - stealing happy hours
Subject: AHHH
God, I have a question. If you were hosting a party do you invite your boyfriend/girlfriend or not.
that's right, she did it, but it wasn't that, I can understand if it's like some party for someone else, or a party strictly for her grade, but no, it's open. but this all could have not happened if she just wouldn't have said something. I mean, c'mon, you don't want to fight but you envoke it. Now don't get me wrong, I don't really care about the party, it's the principal of the thing. Yes THE PRINCIPAL OF THE THING. She says that it sucks that she never get's to see me, then , handed the oppurtunity, TURNS IT DOWN!!!! Are you embarassed by me, or something!? And I'm not backing down, everytime I get mad I always end up apologizing, and having her tell me not to give her shit. WELL TAKE THE SHIT. cuz I have alot more of it. I've defended you beyond reasoning. And this is what I get. If she wants things to be fixed, she'll fix them.
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unwanted

*sigh*, 04-30-02 9:39am

Okay, here's what I'm thinkin. Yeah, normally you would invite your S.O. to a party you host. And yes, this one IS strictly for my grade. Jes was making an exception for me and if you sat down and thought about it you would know I hate it when people make exceptions for me and I'm not about the change that now. So I'm sorry. Sorry I said something. Sorry I'm stupid and that I'm not perfect. I AM sorry.Whether you choose to believe that or not, that's not my choice. Just know I am. Which that probably doesn't help either since telling you I loved you didn't seem to help much last night. I just live it when you tell someone that you love them and their response is something like, "Yeah, okay whatever." That hurts, but I'm making the assumption that you don't care. Do you think I purposely try to cause fights? Cause I don't! If it were up to me, and perfection exsisted, things between us would be perfect because you mean way too much to me. Regardless of what you may think. It seems like you're holding my imperfections against me. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't, but it seems like you are. I don't know I'm just saying that I think you are. Okay, keep in mind that this party is a month or so from now. I'm damn sure that I'll see you a lot before then. I'm not embarassed by you either, bu as I've said before... you'll prolly just believe what you want to. Don't apologize, because I don't want an apology when I know that it wouldn't be sincere right now. And I'm not going to apologize until I mean it to because right now I don't think I'd mean it. Don't back down if you're pissed off at me, then pretend that everything is okay when you know damn well that things aren't and they should be. They could be too, we just need to sit down and have a BIG talk. Nothing held back, just flat out truth. What you need and want and what I need and what because we need to know. I don't want this relationship to get wasted away when you and I both know how great it can be. And yes, I'm taking your shit too, because I understand that you're mad and I deserve your shit right now. I admit, I've given you a lot of crap and I'm not going to make excuses for that, but I can't help that I make a lot of mistakes. I can't do everything on my own, Kevin. I can't fix this by myself and even you know that. You said that if I wanted to fix things then I would. I need you to want to fix things too, so don't say it's all up to me because it's not. We need to work it out together. You can't work things out by yourself. A relationship isn't one-sided... at least it shouldn't be. I'll take blame for this one, because it's mostly my fault. But it takes two people to have a fight, so I can't take 100% of tha blame and I'm not going to.

Why is it that whenever you get pissy with me, I always end up losing sleep over it? Do you not understand how much I care about you Kevin? I don't lie when I tell you that I love you, I'd never do that. I guess you don't know how much love means to me. I don't just toss it around and I make sure I mean it before I say it. I always end up shaky until we make-up and I get frustrated and all I do is either punch things or cry. Do you know why it makes me do this? Because I worry that things will end. That you'll finally say fuck it and give up. Or you'll get sick of me and my constant bullshit. I don't know what I would do if that happened because I don't want that to happen, at all. Not saying that it will, I just worry too much. It doesn't help that I won't be able to talk to you for about another week. Or maybe it does. Giving you time to think things over. I need to know what you want me to do because you aren't telling me anything. You tell me when I'm doing something wrong, but you won't tell me what you want me to do. Just tell me, I'll make an effort. I promise. I don't know if I want to talk to you until you cool off because I don't know if I want to hear what I might hear. Just know that I love you

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