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| xvivaxlabamxfanx (profile) wrote, on 1-13-2005 at 5:54pm | |
| Current mood: nervous Music: some music is playing but i cant hear it over my thoughts Subject: ..i havent felt like myself lately.. |
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| i havent felt much like myself for a while now.. ever since ive started this medicine, ive been really fucked up, like over-the-edge fucked up. I miss the feel of the cool razor against my warm arm.. i miss the sight of my own blood.. i look at the scars on my arm and i miss the stinging pain of when i picked it off.. i long to feel pain again, but not pain from others,.. my own self-inflicted pain.. i don't want to hurt myself anymore because i don't want my doctor to think im a complete psycho.. i haven't really thought about suicide, since my life right now is pretty good. i love my friends, i love the people that talk to me and dont pass me off as a prejudgement, i dont care what everyone else thinks anymore. i love marybeth for all that shes done for me and ill never do anything to let her down.. i hope this post doesnt let her down. i love my lunch table at lunch, no matter whats going on, something will happen that will cheer me up.. thanks kris, vicky and ashley! ..now my lunch table last year.. i couldve not been at lunch for a month and they wouldnt even've noticed that i was gone. they never really cared about me.. the table i sit at now (even tho it took me a while to get there, im glad im there now) they actually care.. if i have my head down, within 2 minutes they'll ask whats wrong, and i can trust in them. Marybeth, im not drifting from you, i'm just expanding my new growing social life while i give you time with your boyfriend who doesn't like me much. but back to what i was saying.. i miss hurting myself.. it released these feelings from me.. even if only for a short time.. i miss being able to smile at nothing. i hate feeling like this.. if feels like everything is bottled up inside, when its really not! i just feel like shit for no apparent reason. i have no reason to be depressed! but i am! this "happy" medicine, is making me feel less happy than what i felt like before i started taking it.. i need my own pain.. or i need to just.. god i dont know. i wish someone could help me, but i dont even know what i need help with, so how can someone help me? ive felt better since ive started talking to steve and kris.. kris is really cool and i see that she likes me for me. steve, im not sure.. i havent talked to him in person yet, but i hope i get to. hes really sweet and i hope i can go to the formal with him.. i dont want to end up going alone, or getting a list minute date who'll ditch me once i get him inside, like it happened last year.. god i hate josh.. what's wrong with me!? ..and dont tell me everything coz i already know that.. i havent seen marybeth for.. like, a few hours, but i miss her.. i love her so much and i dont know how i would ever live without her in my life.. ..im nervous right now.. i cant tell you why.. im just shaking and i dont feel ok.. im surprised i dont have a slue of spelling mistakes in here.. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM! help get this out of me! i dont know what it is, but its eating me away.. slowly from the inside.. ..it hurts.. i want someone to care for me as much as phil cares for marybeth.. im not jealous, i just want someone to tell me things to make me feel better.. i want a guy to hug me forever untill a smile appears on my face.. i miss that feeling.. the happy feeling you get when you know your going to be with someone special for the day after not seeing them for a week or so.. but that relationship was bogus.. but the feelings i had in it were real and i wish i could experience them again with someone who wont move away, and who will be here whenever i needed him.. i want to go to sleep.. i havent had much sleep lately.. i would go to bed now if i wasnt going to an event at the school tonight.. then on friday i dont think im sleeping since ill be over ashleys with amanda, kris and vicky and with amand and vicky, i dont think they'll let me sleep.. lol ---this life isnt going anywhere.. maybe if we looked hard enough, we could find a back door--- i wish this medicine worked.. its sad i have to depend on a medicine to not feel depressed but.. i dont really have a choice.. its all in my head--litterally.. my head is screwed up.. the things ive seen, the things ive thought.. those are enough to fuck anyone up.. ..ill think im going to stop now.. if you actually sat through all that and didnt spontaniously combust, please post a comment.. |
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xunspokenxfearszx | Hey, 01-19-05 4:13pm Hey stefani .. i will take you to the formal .. lol .. hehe .. im crazy arent i.. ha ha.. look.. im sorry that i havent been talkin to lately.. lots of shyt going on.. and i kno how you are feeling.. trust me.. if you ever need any one to talk to im here to listen.. and if no one wants to go to formal with you its their loss not yours.. your better then what people think trust me.. you are like one of my good friends.. and i dont want any thing to happen to you.. we all go through things.. and the "happy" medicine.. SUCKS DICKS!! lol.. but no really its does.. well if it was alive it would.. every second of every day lol.. okay.. well i just wanted to let you kno all that and well .. i ran out of werid stuff to say .. so im out .. heehee.. good luck with every thing.. dont do sumthing stupid PLEASE!!!!!!!!! i wouldnt be able to handle it. <3 ya steff Mandee Lynn |
xvivaxlabamxfanx | Re: Hey, 01-20-05 2:53pm i would never do anything stupid! im not that.. stupid? lol.. yeah, i wouldnt go all the way to kill myself.. im not like that.. i just want the pain to take away allthe other pain.. and lol, ill go to the formal with you!! lol nahh, if i cant get a guy to go, im bring MaryBeth whos in 11th grade, BUT ILL SAVE A DANCE FOR YA!! ^_^ lol we're dorks, and thanks for bein there!
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xunspokenxfearszx | Re: Re: Hey, 01-20-05 3:55pm Your so welcoem .. lol .. and yes we are dorks .. and i know that you not that stupid .. im was just say .. dont even do it because then people ... just make fun of you and stuff which makes you do it even more and when you do it some many times.. something might happen and i dont want that to happen to you .. or to any one else in that fact .. lol.. well im bored and im bout to go lay down or something .. so im going to go .. talk to you later or something .. I SEE YOU IN THE HALL TODAY.. lol ..<3 Amanda *i like Bobby Toomey* |