| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| fadingintoblue (profile) wrote, on 1-17-2005 at 12:04am | |
| Current mood: there's a lump in my throat Subject: Stina |
|
| I called Stina today, at about 3:30. She seemed surprised to hear my voice. She asked if she could call me right back, because she was looking for her keys. I reluctantly said okay. She didn't call back. There is a "message" on our answering machine that consists of a click (I wasn't home, I was calling from my cell phone), but who knows if that's her. I called her again around 8, listened to her phone ring, hung up before leaving a message. I can't take this anymore. I really thought we were friends. Why doesn't she feel like she can talk to me? I have known her for too long and gone through too much with her for me to want to let this friendship go. She kept me saneish during middle school and freshman year. She's the only one I could talk to about the pain of bburg schools. I helped her pass Spanish, she helped me not get too depressed. Does she even think of me, ever? I wouldn't even mind, much, if I knew it was because she's going through too much personal stuff, but she should let me help. I would never hurt her. I have never judged her, I've forgiven her for lying to me a while ago, I've watched her to try and make sure she's ok. And maybe it's my fault, because I didn't tell her enough. She watched me carefully to make sure I wasn't hurting myself, and sometimes asked questions, but she never knew that I cut myself (now, though, I wonder if she guessed, probably not). I never detailed my depressions, but she never detailed hers either. I miss my friend. She's one of the first people who know I wasn't straight, and she accepted me right away without any questions. She helped me through the Lar thing. She always had some sort of joke or story. Gah, I'm talking about her like she's dead, which isn't right. I'm probably going to call her again tomorrow, even though part of me says not to. I have a ton of homework, and I shouldn't try to push her into a friendship she doesn't want anymore. This really really hurts. It's a slow pain, because I've known about it for a while. Even when I talked to her briefly over a month ago, I knew it wasn't going to last. If I can pity myself, then let me say that I can't afford to lose her. I really can't. Who do I have without her? Katie and Jennie. Two people I barely ever see. Barrett's lovesick, Brie's having her own private crisis, Kavya scares me with her acute perceptiveness. And what really sucks? Knowing that everytime I think about her, I make myself numb so I won't cry or feel too hurt. Which doesn't help me get close to people (already a huge problem). If I keep doing this, I'm going to get to a point where I'm never going to feel again. |
|
| Post A Comment |
kiwi | Awwwww, 01-24-05 5:50pm *HUGE hug* I wish I could see you more often... sutpid being involved.... We really should plan more time with each other... grrr, planning sucks though. hehehe one day I shall see you after school and we shall jsut drive away, and do something... fun...! |