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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 1-19-2005 at 4:56pm | |
| Current mood: okay Music: [=] wedding dress + derek webb Subject: MORE. MORE MORE. MOREEEE. |
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| [odd subject title for lack of interesting subject title.] i'd say god's pretty awesome! hah. well, reading more don miller. i don't know, so much is popping from the pages and it's really showing me... A LOT. that i make out my faith to be so much more than it really is- that i have to know all the stories, all the scripture, i have to have my quiet time everyday and if i don't do all these things, something "must be wrong." i assume too much, and in the end it turns out to be everything but the real thing- god's love. here is the biggest thing i've realized: i spend so much time trying to validate that christianity is right that i don't focus on what christianity IS. i mean, i think it's important to question things so things are cleared up. god even says that lack of knowledge hurts his people. but i've realized that i've spent all this time preparing myself for the question: "why do you believe christianity is right?" rather than "why are you a christian?" gosh. it's quite insane, really. gosh. over and over again i realize how stupid i can be... i'm just SO frustrated with myself. i've screwed things up with god for too long and i get so angry with myself, and then i don't even try to fix anything. i'm falling into the same old habits, and for now i just want to be alone. i want to be away from everyone, just some quiet time alone. i'm getting perturbed so easily because i've been so emotionally everywhere, especially when hurt feelings and possibly even drama [which i rarely experience-VERY rarely] are involved. i need a huge break from it all, feeling either condescended to one second, etc. etc. and i'm not trying to point the finger at everyone else... because surely i have been the ways that i hate. and surely, a large portion of my current frustration is the result of my own self. okay let me paint with this with some words. i feel like i am in a box, a perfect cube, perfectly straight and square. but people are all along the walls in random places, and their arms are all reaching for me and i am in the middle, feeling quite uncomfortable, [moment of humor], and all the while the cube slowly shrinks in. very slowly, but it shrinks nonetheless. a lot of this is my own fault. i'm not saying this so people will take pity, so people will say "no it's not." this isn't for my self-righteousness. it's just me admitting the truth. i am sometimes overly-sensitive and for some reason easily frustrated at the moment. frustrated but yet a little excited for things to come. excited, all these crazy thoughts. excited about david (going to meet him tonight at church!!!), our new youth minister, excited about classes next year, excited about colleges (excited but a little afraid at the same time), excited about the future god has planned! i'm totally blind to it, however. i've kind of narrowed the areas down- art, writing/english/etc., something having to do with the bible or something of that sort. i'm also a freak for music, but i don't really see myself being a music teacher. i don't know, there's a TON i want to do. i'm a "child of the arts" i guess. it's like, i am blindfolded and stumbling around, and god's hand is out with a little slip of paper with my future written out on it [future as far as my college major, etc. goes] and it's right at the tip of my fingers- god's not even moving his hand- and i'm still missing it completely. when in reality ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THE STINKING BLINDFOLD OFF! which is symbolically, to me, going to christ, completely trusting in him, and then letting him guide me to where he wants me to be. and i know it's going to be something i want to do. obviously, the gifts he gives us are ones we most likely enjoy. i'm just a horrible decision-maker. trying to keep the emotion down. i used to always not have random emotional outbursts, and i really don't- it's quite rare- but i had one not long ago and i just hate being like that. it's just... not me. i know i'm sensitive and all that kinda stuff, but i'm not one to explode. when i do that, things get a little crazy. i mean, it's important to say how you feel... man there i go again. i could talk forever [obvious]. so i'll stop now and hopefully get started on history homework. love in christ, autumn [relate this song in the context of being married to christ] if you could love me as a wife and for my wedding gift, your life should that be all i’ll ever need or is there more i’m looking for and should i read between the lines and look for blessings in disguise to make me handsome, rich, and wise is that really what you want i am a whore i do confess but i put you on just like a wedding dress and i run down the aisle i’m a prodigal with no way home but i put you on just like a ring of gold and i run down the aisle to you so could you love this bastard child though i don’t trust you to provide with one hand in a pot of gold and with the other in your side i am so easily satisfied by the call of lovers less wild that i would take a little cash over your very flesh and blood because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye when you have knowingly deceived his wife |
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upchuck | 01-19-05 8:25pm Hey, after three years in college, even knowing what major you want is small beans in God's eyes. I have my major almost complete. Not that I don't think that God doesn't care what your major is, but you have to trust that He is going to give you the relevant experience. So many things that have strengthened my faith in college have not been learned in classes inside my major, nor were some of them even experiences from classes. Whatever path you choose, God will give you the relevant experience and the opportunity to use your education to serve Him, no matter what it says on your degree. |
aushpog | Re:, 01-19-05 8:27pm hey thanks man. it's nice to hear from you again.
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