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tails (profile) wrote,
on 1-26-2005 at 8:30pm
Current mood: artistic
Music: Whats Below
Subject: Comment Please
Tell me your fav. part or phrase. tell me your least fav. part. tell me what could be better. just tell me about it. Yes For Once I Care What Others Think About Me. and its supposed to seem simple, no metaphors for once. all the words plain and all the descriptions easy to hear. its just easier and rawer.lol the title is

Nothing Ever Goes Wrong

I'm gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completely of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain

the clouds are setting in
the storm is destined to erupt soon
but im under neath this umbrella
so my head wont get wet

Like i need a heavier head
to go right along with my weighted heart
lets find something to make this image lifted
do you have the cure?
something to make me pure

fall asleep, for once unassited
Only a cup of water next to me on the floor
maybe a head next to myne
to stare deep into my eyes

to wake up, refreshed
with thoughts of traffic and pain repressed
you know the day is gonna be hard
but you, you are gonna have a good day

im gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completly of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain

thats trickling down the side of my car
driving slower, watching the water bead
switching lanes finally
im almost home, from a day of hell

time to sit and let my head swell
from the thoughts of the day
thinking of a way
to wash them away

im gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completly of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain

that i see from this medicinal window pane
that i stare out of everyday
has become my best of friends
this relationship will never end

the trees end up blowing
and the leaves end up falling
and the grass ends up dieing
and i end up watching

all the stages and steps of death
happen right out side my door
we'll ive some place to go
so ill toss my care to the wind, blow

im gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completly of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain
im gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completly of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain
im gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completly of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain
im gonna have a wonderful day
its gonna be free completly of pain
im gonna have a beautiful day
its gonna free me of this rain
im gonna have a wonderful day
im gonna have a wonderful day
Post A Comment

anachronism

01-26-05 8:48pm

That was honestly the best thing you've written that I have read so far. I liked it, a lot. Impressed.

The only part I didn't really like was:
thats trickling down the side of car
driving slower, watching the water bead
switching lanes finally
im almost home, from a day of hell

It just didn't seem as original as the rest.

But, over all good job. I can't pick a favorite line, I like all the others too much.

(reply to this)

tails

Re:, 01-26-05 8:52pm

*hugs* thanks, its great to see that my talent (lets call it that lol) is progressing and well thats good news thanks. and yeah that does seem a little out of center now that i read it. ill think of a way to make that fit in and sound a little less.....tacked on.

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pop-tart

01-26-05 9:33pm

holy hell!!... this is kick ass shit!!!

i love ....

the trees end up blowing
and the leaves end up falling
and the grass ends up dieing
and i end up watching

all the stages and steps of death
happen right out side my door
we'll ive some place to go
so ill toss my care to the wind, blow

its my favorite part but i loved it all

one thing i think you can work on is....

thats trickling down the side of my car
driving slower, watching the water bead
switching lanes finally
im almost home, from a day of hell

it sounds odd with the rest .... but other then that it was awesome! *hugs*




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tails

Re:, 01-26-05 9:35pm

The second person to say that exact same thing about the car stanza.... shows something. it does need work. thanks


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bleedingsun

01-26-05 10:09pm

God, you're so fucking emo,
and I like it.

Still though, the rhyming. I really like things with a steady rhythm and rhyme scheme. It's good though.

And uh, I like comments too, if you didn't know. I don't think you ever commented on alastar.

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windedhero

01-26-05 10:36pm

its gonna be free completely of pain

lets find something to make this image lifted

fall asleep, for once unassited (?)

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tails

Re:, 01-27-05 10:38pm

well its like a refrence to an alcoholic. there are a couple refrences to a couple problems of modern man. unnassited by the beer or whatever.

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windedhero

Re: Re:, 01-27-05 11:03pm

ahh, you mean unassisted. and the two lines before it... I thought the wording was kinda strange. "free completely" and "make this image lifted" might sound better as "completely free" and "lift this image"

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Anonymous

Super Magical Chinese Box says "Good job Mott... Mott... Matt... OH DO ME", 01-27-05 4:00am

This is mol. The lyrics are moving and everyone is right about the trickling thing... and perhaps starting the song with the chorous (yeah, probably spelled that wrong) is a little odd too. But all in all it is one of your best. Later.

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jbandkg

01-27-05 5:22pm

do you have the cure?
something to make me pure


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tails

Re:, 01-27-05 10:39pm

thanks gus

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paperheart

01-29-05 9:39pm

I posted a comment on the entry with your picture. [just incase you don't go back and look at comments.] <3

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