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| silentcriez (profile) wrote, on 1-28-2005 at 4:03pm | |
| what you dont understand is i dont love dad. why would i want to do something for someone who didnt ever want to do anything for me until you left? he never knew me or wanted to know me when we were growing up. i never did anything with him. i cant just suddenly love someone. i never did love him. kaitlin just always hogged you, so i would butter up dad just so someone would love me. and thats why kaitlin and i always fought. we fought for your attention. and when you left we both felt the same hurt. dads not genuwine he doesnt know me. hes never known me. he was never there, you were. and thats why this is so hard for me. because im stuck in this house with a complete stranger. and i will not tell him anything because he doesnt know me, i dont trust him. i trusted you. and then you just left. dad is self centered and complains all the time who the hell wants to do anything for someone who always complains at how the jobs done or when i tell him i got a 85 on my mid term rather than saying "great job" says "oh i was hoping youd get an a" what kind of parent says that? makes me feel not good enough i didnt do a good enough job for him. things like that make you not wanna try anymore. and yes i remember not speaking to you. when you tried to talk to us you told me that you were moving to florida for a couple months i didnt even know you and dad were getting a divorce. i figured youd be home again. and you never came. i didnt speak to you because i couldnt. because it hurt me to much. it made me angry i wasnt important enough to stay here for. i guess it is my fault you left. if i had been a better daughter, if i had told you i cared about you would you be here? you say come move down here, but i cant do that. i cant give up my friends. why cant you move here? my cant mel move with you if he means that much to you. if he loves you that much. dont you think hed do it for you. for me? i cant handle this much pain. and im sorry if i sound like im whining and complaining but this is how i feel. and i cant call you and tell you how i feel with dad on the fone cuz i dont want him to know. i dont like him hes not a good person. he doesnt like anything i do. he doesnt respect music, writing anything. hes a shallow minded person and i cant connect to someone like that. i dont know what else to do or say.. i just dont wanna cry anymore... the only reason i can write the way i do, is because i have so much pain i need to express...if it werent for writing i wouldnt be alive. i would have been in the hospital just like kaitlin. there wasnt a day that i didnt think about ending it all because the pain and deciet was all too much to handle. the relationship isnt all about money either, its just that dad really doesnt give me any money he bitches and moans when i ask for lunch money. i would appreciate it if you did send me money for lunch.. im sorry im such a weak person, and im sorry i cant handle this and im sorry im not the daughter you wanted to have. im sorry im not kaitlin who can hide her pain when she talks to you. i cant do that. i cant be anything else then what i am. and i cant help that i dont trust anyone with my emotions anymore. i cant write anymore because i just keep crying and its friday i shouldnt be crying. - amanda |
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| Anonymous | 01-30-05 7:35pm im sorry |