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| greyXmatter (profile) wrote, on 2-3-2005 at 5:52pm | |
| Current mood: blah Music: [AFI] - [Bleed Black] |
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| I know exactly what you're going to say, too. That you didn't write it? Yeah... how am I supposed to believe that when you fucking called me up drunk off your ass at 11:00 at night? You could have been doing anything drunk, including fucking around with my journal. I'm not angry, just annoyed. I don't feel like talking to anyone today. This morning I woke up around 7 to talk to Brandon online but he had already gone so I went back to bed. Then I woke up at... 2. And just kinda sat around and tried to get my voice back cause it was totally not there. Fell asleep for a little and woke up around 3:10 and called my mom cause my voice was back a little bit. I don't remember what started it but I just started crying like a baby, and I couldn't stop. We talked for like 45 minutes about everything. She told me that she missed me and hopefully she could come home soon. I have an appointment in a few days to see a phsychiatrist... I told her I didn't want to because that's just more useless money she needs to spend. If anyone's going to fix me, it's myself. She wants me to because the medicine I'm taking seems to be making me worse. I can't believe I actually told my mom everything that I told her. She asked me why I was like this and I remember saying "I don't know mom, I'm so miserable all the time and every time I try to help you out it fucking backfires every time and I'm tired of trying." I totally just dumped everything on her. I told her I hated living here and I hated living period and I didn't want anything to do with being here anymore. When she asked me "What do you mean, here?" and I said "Here." and she asked me "Where is here?" I said.. "Alive." and she started crying so hard. That was the last thing I wanted her to hear but I couldn't stop myself from saying it, I just needed to tell her everything if she's going to get me help. She was telling me about everything that makes me so happy and why I shouldnt feel how I'm feeling, but she doesn't understand that that's exactly it. I'm so lucky to have what I have, and so guilty, and un-appreciative. Right now my mom is my best friend through this. I hate myself for making her cry. I can't believe I told her that, but on the other hand I'm so happy she knows. Things can only get better, I hope.. My voice is 89% gone... I have a little bit, but its croaky and crackly and really quiet. It better be back by tomorrow cause I'M GOING TO SCHOOL. God I feel like shit. |
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allmysinsx | 02-03-05 9:31pm aw, dont worry about her, shes not worth the time..
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