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| brownsugar (profile) wrote, on 2-11-2005 at 1:21am | |
| Music: if you don't cry- the magnetic fields Subject: Things will change..they will won't they? |
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| I have a feeling.. a feeling that things might change tomorow. Have you ever gotten that feeling? A tingling in the stomach.. that things will change. This is it. This was the day I first stepped into bitterness a year ago, that is so scary. I closed myself to the world of trust, and the world of well, love. And I thought I knew everything there was to know that and I pretended to normal- I pretended to be fucking strong. Because I was scared- scared shitless to be vulnerable. I didn't want to let anyone know that I was affected and I didn't want anyone to know that I was that weak to let such a thing happen to me and not even question it. And from that day forward I stepped into the world of bittnerness. Oh, how hard it was for me to trust and open my heart after this. How hard... No wonder I haven't been in a relationship since then- I closed my heart and decided that's it no more emotional things for me. For a year I have felt that I have been content and that I have been strong. But really, I haven't made myself any stronger by doing this... I have just made myself weaker and seemingly strong on the outside. Why did I do this to myself? Why why why?I just didn't want to let anyone know that I was weak. When we broke up I wasn't sad about the break up- at all. Because I didn't love him. I was sad about how pathetic I had been. Of how WEAK I had been and all this for a fucking boy? What was wrong with me? I mean.. really. I even let him break up with me without a single legitamate reason, and come to think of it I was a GAZZILION time better than he will ever be. But I closed myself- and I refused anyone to get close to me, because I was afraid of some one breaking my fullfleged trust and yet again me feeling utterly miserable for doing such a thing. It was hard during the year- trust me. I didn't place a shed of trust in anyone and when I did it was under so much paranoia because I was afraid of such a thing happening again to me. Why do I always let stuff like this happen to be.And then after this day- I decided I will not be the advantagee- I will be the one who takes advantage. I shed all signs of weakness of myself and set up an aura of the "STRONG" tina. Now, I look back and see yet again- wow how pathetic I have been. Why did I let myself get pulled into the crazy realm of..life? I can't believe I just admitted this. |
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hollishdanishm | 02-12-05 9:18am I never knew that breakup was hard for you.
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