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| upchuck (profile) wrote, on 2-13-2005 at 7:09pm | |
| Music: "Wild West Show" Big and Rich |
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| Well just as a bit of luck, this is my 200th entry. Not that any of you care too much. "There's never a hero in a battle of ego, There's never a winner of the quick draw." - Big and Rich Something that someone could spend so long on, focus so much of their energy on. I don't want to be caught up in the competition. I don't want to be compared. I hate it so much. I am my own unique person, just as everyone else is. There is nothing to compare myself too, or rather there shouldn't be. I shouldn't be judged in comparison to someone else, I should be judged on my own abilities, my own attributes. Today was hard. Much of it is the fact that I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I keep telling myself that this cycle I'm stuck in is going to change soon, but i know it's not. Not at least until I do something drastic. Brianna, I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. First, I was just too tired. Which kills me because I don't have time to spend with anyone, especially when it would be nice to spend time with someone so removed from my reality. Second, I acidentally exited the convo that we were having and lost your number. Please send me an email, I'm sorry. Now, I really can't tell if these tears I'm feeling coming on, that I've felt coming on for about the last six hours are because of exhaustion, stress, or if I'm not really over her yet. I was cool. I was good. But then we just act like everything is okay. I act like everything is okay when it's not. A lot of my anger toward her is gone, but not all of it. I think she knew today that my bad mood was more than me just being tired. Or maybe she didn't. I don't know what I want from her anymore. I'd like an apology. I'd like an acknowledgement that she hurt me. I'd like an acknowledgement that she still cares about me. I'd like an acknowledgement that what we had was special. But I'm not going to get that, so these tears are completely in vain. And it pisses me off that her boyfriend thinks that she's cheating on him with me. I don't know waht to tell him. I'd like to tell him to trust her, that nothing is going on between us, which nothing is. But I can't tell him to trust her when I don't. I guess it's time to stop bellyaching. It's time for the confident me to reemerge and say to all "I have been brought back and redeemed." It sucks taht we all have times that we are vunerable. It also sucks that other people bring out the best and the worst feelings in us. And by the way, Happy Valentine's Day. |
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spinder | Lets see how much I can creep out my girlfreind now., 02-15-05 1:20am Happy Valentine's Day to you too chuck.
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