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| spud (profile) wrote, on 2-16-2005 at 7:46pm | |
| Music: Benton Falls - sad like winter leaves Subject: i feel cold. |
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colder than i've felt in a long time. both physically and emotionally. maybe it's this basement, this computer, this room, this music. maybe it's her. it hurts me so badly. it's just sickening, with my stomach doing flips in my throat, for no apparent reason at all. except for her. and i guess she's reason enough. but maybe not. apparently not. if i'm dogshit to her, then why am i so torn up over this? she should be dogshit too. but she isn't. she won't be - she can't. even still, i can't stop the motion picture show in my head. playing potential scenarios and ... i shudder too much at the thoughts i can't quell to bring myself to describe them. but i can't shut them off. i can't change the channel. i can't make the plot take a drastic upturn. it's stuck in a tim burton downward spiral that cannot be undone. and the voices. they narrate the movie. so, what my mind's eye doesn't use to haunt me, my mind's ear will. and does. incessantly. sometimes the show is entertaining, imaginitive, comedic, happy. but not now. never at these times. and a part of me doesn't want it to end. a part of me gets trapped in the familiarity of it all, and doesn't want to venture out into that unknown, however green it may appear. i feel like Dr. Manette. i'm pacing and making shoes inside my brain, while some malicious specter assails me with a barrage of endless multimedia nightmares. ... and it always seems like when i'm trying to do calculus. but here... maybe i'm beginning to feel better. that's the first time that's ever happened. assess the situation, and see it for what it is, not for what the motion picture show wants me to see it as. that's what i have to do. the feelings are lies. real, but lies. c'mon spud, you can pull out of this nosedive. i hope. |
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phil-himself | 02-16-05 9:37pm as bad as you feel, you still got wireless internet
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spud | Re:, 02-17-05 5:53pm right, ... 733t by association. i'll have to remember that. |
phil-himself | Re: Re:, 02-17-05 8:11pm it's 1337 d00d |
spud | Re: Re: Re:, 02-17-05 11:07pm yeah, i couldn't remember. i was confused.
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