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| silentcriez (profile) wrote, on 2-17-2005 at 7:53am | |
| I was young and jaded, I listened to all those around me. Never asking questions but just letting all of the information and new experiences to sink into my skin. The views, the beliefs, I let it all sway my own opinions. And never asked my own questions, I just took it all in without asking why or how. Because if these words came from my mothers lips, silver plated words they were. She was a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, and my father was a very down right straight to the point person. My sister and I would constantly fight for attention. Without taking the time to bond with my older sister, we were never able to understand each other. It was a spring day; I remember it all too clearly. My parents sat us down and explained what would happen. The rivers in my eyes and heart began to pour. What was I to do? Was it my fault my parents were getting a divorce? I was confused and upset and refused to speak to my mother. Because it was her who would be moving away, to Florida. I was in shock; she couldn’t leave me here with my dad - could she? I ran to my room and sat and thought not wanting to accept what I had heard as truth. After that day I tried not to think about it, and that was the last that was spoken of it. So I figured it had all brushed over, months had passed. The heat was unbearable that day, so I came home early from my expedition around town with my friends. Summertime was coming all too soon to a hault. I unlocked the door, grabbed a drink and ran upstairs, which was my normal routine. I decided to get comfortable so I went into my room to change to find a note and a present on my bed. I opened and read the note in disbelief. It said that it hurt her to leave but it would hurt her even more to say goodbye. And with that she was gone, swallowed up by Florida’s entirety. Lured all too easily like a fish to bate. I was slowly sucked into a whirlpool of depression. Crying all too often, and feeling lonely when surrounded by a room of smiling faces. This wasn’t me; I was a happy outgoing girl who loved everyone. But I couldn’t help but feel this distrust for everyone around me. Every time something bad would happen, or would fall out of place I felt ganged up upon. Every figure in my life became a villain became someone who was out to hurt me, became my mother. And I would fight to the death before I let another person walk out on me again. When my mother left I was just entering high school, and dealing with normal teenage problems. I needed my mother’s words to guide me. I no longer spent my days at home with my dad, but I grew closer with my sister. We’d take drives to nowhere just to talk, because we both knew what it was like to hurt. And we both knew what it was like to lose. She helped me to realize that not everything that happens, is intentionally to hurt us and that my only chance of happiness was to open up and get out what I was feeling. With that my friends became the most important aspect of my life. They were my family, my bests friends were my confidants. I still haven’t spoken to my mother to this day, aside from emails and letters, because the pain of the memories is too hard to bear. Someday I will, I cannot hold this grudge forever. But I’ve grown since that dog day in August; I’ve grown years of wisdom. Ive acquired a new respect for myself, and learned to survive on my own. I began to use writing as my voice, if I couldn’t say what I wanted to, I could write it. If I didn’t do anything else, I had to get out all of my emotions, and soon my flow of thoughts turned into poetry and descriptions of raining skies, and destructive storms. I was full of inspiration, funneled from pain. The idea of forgiveness bounced around my mind, wanting to roll off my tongue. I was becoming a young woman, never swayed by those around me. I am a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, who’s had a bumpy road in life, but wouldn’t give it up for the world. |
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| Anonymous | 02-17-05 8:06pm ..im speechless |
silentcriez | Re:, 02-17-05 8:14pm who are you? |
xonixieox | 02-19-05 8:44am amanda!! i started reading it and i was like this looks farmiliar.. then when i got to the bottom i was like ohhh ya.. i read this in school.. im so stupid lol! your an amazing writer and i love you .. see ya in algebra lol
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silentcriez | Re:, 02-19-05 10:00am i love you |