| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| tails (profile) wrote, on 3-1-2005 at 10:52pm | |
| Current mood: crushed Music: Nina Hagen - 99 Red Balloons {Techno Remix} Subject: Sitting Down After Forty Feet Of Air, Toxin, Might, and sorrow |
|
| Ok, something has happened here. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I've gotten myself into alot of thigns and im drowning myself... I don't really know what to do to sort everything out. but i guess ill start by talking to all of you who read this waste of a journal... you might not care whats going on in my life but well i just need to sort things out and this is about the only place i feel connected to the world and the people who are in the town that causes my confusion. 1)I got into this play with expectations of a fun and wonderful time along side the ability to make people smile. I am having the hardest time learning all the dances so if i look like a douche on stage thats ok i wont fucking care. The songs are coming along ok, I'm starting to not be terrified of my own voice, or what any dumb muck things of it. The lines are coming along horrible, but thats cause im not studying like i should be. I just go out and hang with my friends even though i know i should be staying home and studying my god damn lines. SO, conclusion here to problem number one is...read the entire script at least twice every day no matter what you are doing that day. Focus harder on the dance moves, ask Mrs. Kerkofv to give me her notes on my moves. OK PROBLEM ONE SORTED OUT (wow just that much felt really fucking great). 2) Work. I can't stand my job because my manager makes me feel like a worthless peice of shit and i just take it like a little bitch cause my father raised me like that, even though deep in my heart i want to stand up to her and let her know what she does. I don't get enough hours and the time they give me always conflicts with my free time on the weekends, which is the only time i have to spend the meisly ammount of money i get. I always over spend myself and dont know how to budget my money. i either buy shit i dont need or drive all over the fucking world when i know i dont have the gas for it. SO solution to problem 2 is...get a new fucking job. when i apply for this new job make sure that i ask for a certain ammount of hours per week and at least 6.25 an hour to begin with because i will be turning 18 and 18 year olds need to make at least 6 dollars and hour i think it is. i will also make sure that on the weekends i only work morning hours so that i will have anytime after 5 pm free for spending my money and free time with the people i love that keep me alive with precious social contact. I will also start budgeting myself more and begin to realize how much i need certain things and how easy it would be to go on living without other things. 3) The Band. well this rag tag collection of pathetic people isnt producing anything but a bunch of messed up sounds that smash into one another. and i cant memorize the words to the song cause i keep mixing them all up with the music from the musical and my lines from the play and i cant stand the noise anymore. PLUS we never fucking practice cause nobody wants to practice during the weekday. and nobody is ever free on the weekends and nobody even bothers to contact one another and everyone has their own conflict about something smaller. "i dont like the name lets change it" "cant we play a different song" "can i make this part different than the orignal song". SO the way to fix problem three is...either i drop out of the band and tell them to do it themselves it shouldnt be that hard to find a better vocalist than me i mean come the fuck on dude. OR i tell them i cant do the talent show cause its too much stress on me already with everything else going on in my life and just continue playing after the musical and everything is over. 4) Dad. My father hates me 70% of the time and fucking loves me the other. i dont know how he is or what the fuck happens in his head have the time im confused. i cant say anything around him without getting yelled at. i mean my heart hurts just coming home anymore im just terrified of being yelled at or something. SO solution to problem 4... i dont fucking know someone tell me... 5) School. I really dont understand anything thats happening in chemistry. basically thats my only concern with school. chemistry is starting to scare the fuck out of me. i just cant catch on to most of the topics and shit i take notes read the chapters attempt to do the homework and still fail the tests. SO solution. get outside help stay afterschool with Mr. J also try doing extra work in the back of the book when im doing other homework and finish early. 6) My Heart. I think im starting to like someone who dosent have the ability to like me back....(same old story of everyone in the world right?) so i dont know if i should pursue it and watch what happens or just let it go and hope some one else comes around within the next 45-56 years. SO solution to this. fucking go for it i mean it can only hurt for a little while right. nothing hurts forever. 7) So Called Friends. I think ive been making friends with people im growing to hate. certain people well only 2 people i want to stop being friends with for my own personal benefit. but i dont know how to go about this. SO solution. fucking deal with them you know just let them act as if they like me and i like them then in about 50 days i graduate and they never have to see me again you know. well thanks for reading all my lifes bullshit. it felt really good to organize this all out thanks for listening even if it was with deaf ears. it still helped. have any suggestions then comment bitches lol i love you all so fucking much i really hope u know that. | |
| Post A Comment |
|
this-acoustic-love | 03-01-05 11:27pm dont take on too much at once.
|
tails | Re:, 03-01-05 11:32pm i know thats the problem i took on too much at one time. i wasnt thinking about what i was doing to myself till now. its really starting to hurt. but this organizing thing helps. |
| Anonymous | this is mol, 03-03-05 1:41am Here are two solutions. Follow your heart when it comes to people. and your moving in with me so you dont have to deal with your dad and we can hang with jay and shit. Later. Miss ya |
Anonymous | Re: this is mol, 03-03-05 1:42am oh yeah and if I am one of those people you absolutly fuckin hate, tell me, haha. later |
jayzulla | 03-06-05 5:52pm i think you should say what these peoples names are so drama doesnt start. at least then people wont have to guess. jesus christ. |
sugarjackj | 03-08-05 7:12pm I think you got yourself into trouble by thinking a play was going to be all fun. Man...its hard work if you do it right. But you know that. I should come see you, what is it and when is it?
|