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| brokenmentality (profile) wrote, on 3-7-2005 at 7:50pm | |
| i wish i could move far far away. away from cedar, away from our high school.... anywhere. out of state. i hate my life here. i wanna start over, i would give ANYTHING to start over in a new town with new people. away from my family, or lack there of. we're all falling apart. after my grandpa died, everything changed. i dont have a huge family like i used to. my mom's one of 10, and we dont even have a christmas party. how pathetic is that. the only time our whole family is together is at funerals... there has NEVER been a picture taken of ALL the brothers and sisters. there has NEVER been a complete family picture... i dont even know... it just sucks. i need mountains, i need something to live for, away from routine. i need to recapture my faith.. that should be my number one priority.. but i just keep pushing it aside, telling myself... "i'll get there eventually"... its not gonna happen that way. i feel like im drifting away from my best friend, and my mom, and school..... i feel like i've lost all sense of caring about anything. im numb... im just a numb person. and i hate that, but i've gotten used to it. i live for stress. if i dont have a zillion things goin on at once, like i always do... i think i'd lose it. i cant remember when i've been able to just sit down and relax, for like a week straight, with nothing that i have to do. i have so many responsibilites.. and dont get me wrong.. im so thankfull for everything that im a part of... but it gets tiring. i get tired. i AM tired. right now... im so tired. and theres nothing i can do about it. im so stuck.... and it's not gonna change. i know it isnt. yeah, i have awesome things in my life.. i have an amazing person in my life. and for that im so greatfull, but everything else is still on the back of my mind all the time, i just choose to ignore it most of the time. thats why i hate being alone, i start to think. and sometimes my thoughts scare me, and i'd rather not process things at all. i have so many things that i want to do. but there are even more that i NEED to do, and yet i dont. i want to do things for me, but its not an option. and even STILL, im no good at prioritizing. im never good enough, i dont respect her, my grades arent good enough, im not responsible, i listen to bad music, i support the wrong things, i never spend time at home anymore, i never spend time with my sister, i only think of myself... and the list goes on. TELL me, how am i suppose to deal with everything, when you keep adding stress to my life. im a teenager, im not a little girl anymore. if you're gonna lose your temper with me, then i'll lose mine with you. is it really that hard to comprehend? im 16, and very defensive..... you know this. you OBVIOUSLY know this.... why do you constantly continue to push me. i'll never understand you. i dont even remember the last time i prayed before going to sleep. im changing, but im maturing. and at the same time, im not changing. im still sensitive, and shy, and alone. ultimately, im alone. and i think its a fear that shadows my ability to work through my past. to fully forgive him and accept him as a part of my life. im so blessed that he's here, he's finally here. but im so selfish, i dont wanna share him. i dont want anyone to meet him... and i dont want to forgive him.. but i am.. and i hate that. i want to hate him, but i cant. i simply cant. its his personality, and the fact that when i look at him, i see myself. its the most incredible feeling i've ever felt... i cant even explain it. this experience that everyone else has had.. im just now experiencing, but its so different.. there are no standards to put it against. at least i have a home now... a place to park my car and a place to have my mail forwarded to. at least i have that. |
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Paradox | 03-07-05 9:39pm You had to know that I would be probably the first to reply to this.. Lol... Now being stressed out is a part of life that every person deals with one way or another, and its how you choose to deal with it that leads to either more stress, or a period of time where things tend to run smoothly. I don't think that your exactly handling it in the right way as of right now. and I'm noticing something that I'll talk to you about a little bit later. But for now. I still think that you need to put yourself ahead of everything else. You need to prioritize, you said your bad at it, thats why you have people like me here for you, To help you. Family, wow, family is a huge issue, I know it is, Things will look up in that direction, Its just "stormin" in a sense as of right now... and you guys are "childs" so your just caught in the storm and overwhelmed by the power of it... The sun'll come out. Don't EVER say that your a numb person, because it is without a doubt the biggest lie I have ever heard! (other than anything to do with my race) Erika, your a very busy girl, (not like you need me to tell you that) but it's that that helps make you who you are. You always have something going on. I think its amazing how you handle it all, I would have burst months ago baby... I really admire your patience with it all. Keep in mind that as your life continues, things are gonna wind down, and smaller things are going to come up, because as of now, most of the things that are going on are pretty major, and once the minors start coming up.. they won't seem like anything, and youll be at ease. As for the situation like tonight, all that does is show how immature she is, as hard as it sounds, you need to continue what your doing by basically ignoring it, I know its complicated, and I know that it seems damn near impossible, but you need to because all arguing does is dig yourself into a deeper hole, simply because your the teenager. I'm not saying to bottle everything up. But vent in a different way than arguing at her. (like your journal, this is what it's here for). I wish I could begin to explain to you how happy I am for you that you have found him FINALLY. It really hits at home, and with all the mixed emotions that you have, it really proves how much you deserve as much closure as you can get. I'm so proud of you the way you handle your situations with him, and the way things are now only shows how amazing YOU really are. To overcome adversity like that is simply tremendous, and I'm so thankful to see you finally get your chance to be with him. It has to be amazing. :) Well as for me! Words can't even begin to explain how thankful I am to have you in my life. The things that you do for/to me are some of the most unexplainable things that anyone has ever done. I really can't even begin to think about how lucky I am to have you lin my life. GAH! And things will look up for you! I know they will. They're just some grey clouds that are hiding that blue sky that we all love, and with the help of father time. (as he does all things) he'll make them shift... and your sky will be brighter than you could ever remember... I promise baby.
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just_peachie | Re:, 03-07-05 9:48pm You only beat me by four minutes! |
just_peachie | 03-07-05 9:43pm Erika doll...this may not sound like much, because I'm sure you've heard it before...but I honestly know what you're going through, right down to the T.
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brokenmentality | Re:, 03-07-05 10:05pm awww hun.. first of all you connected to me directly cuz of the "doll".. i call everyone that.....!
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