| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| spud (profile) wrote, on 3-10-2005 at 10:41pm | |
| Current mood: pensive Music: BNL - (WMP on shuffle) |
|
| well, i almost feel like i got a little bit done today. but, then again, maybe not. i don't know. i never know. i really like musical, though. it's much better being in the pit now, than when we were just aimlessly rambling in the band room. i feel like i have a direction and a goal now. not to mention it's just fucking sweet to be sitting in the orchestra pit. and there are all the actor girls to lavish me with attention. it's just flippin' sweet. i've decided i love my dad. but i still feel so dependent on him. it's pathetic. i use mom for her money, and dad for his philosophical enlightenment, and i feel guilty for both of them. and mom usually does a good job of nullifying any of my philosophical breakthroughs, so really all i wind up with is her money, and incessant bullshit. but she does it with the best of intentions. we always do - everyone does. i hate being this way. and i don't know how to be anything else. i honestly don't care whether i find a sudden tolerance for my situation, or find a way out of it, but either way, i'm ready for something to happen. and i don't think it will. but i really don't know. i still haven't figured out how to see the future yet. but when i do . . . shit, i'm tired. yet another night wasted away without doing calculus. i'm such a whore. but i feel good anyway. i just feel guilty for feeling good, when there's all this stuff to feel bad about. it's like i'm not being true, like i'm ignoring it when i shouldn't, and that makes me feel guilty. like i'm just sucking up all this attention and money and love, and just leeching it out, to seemingly no productive end. and that aggravates me. i'm not that kind of person. is it ever going to change? yeah. i think so. maybe. |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
sugarjackj | 03-11-05 3:21pm i still haven't figured out how to see the future yet either.
|
spud | Re:, 03-13-05 11:28pm i don't think i ever will. so i just need to learn to deal with that. and that's okay. |