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| upchuck (profile) wrote, on 3-16-2005 at 12:57pm | |
| I'm still in this kind of limbo, trying to navigate my way between two things that I think would severely disappoint me. Kim and I are back together. They all said that it wouldn't take long and they were right. I love her, I really do. However, there is this weird feeling that I have, kind of a doubt about the future. The hard thing is that I convinced myself that she didn't want me. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with my life before she came along, so why was I so depressed when we broke up, nothing had really changed right? And now I'm having trouble with the opposite aspect. I was getting over her. I was healing, in fact, I was getting used to not having a girlfriend. All the things that you can do as a single guy, but not when you're in a relationship, like flirting with girls and thinking about them in different ways. It's strange because part of me doesn't want to lose that. I kind of feel like there is nothing wrong with my life before she came along so why should I change my life because of her. So I walk the line, trying not to do anything that is going to upset her, abut at the same time still maintaining my individuality and not isolating myself in the confines of our relationship. We talked about just having fun and not letting things get too serious. But I realized that it's a cop out on my part. I don't want to let things get too serious so that she doesn't have the power to hurt me again. I don't want to give that to her willingly this time. Yes, I'm a different person than I was four months ago. I don't think she thinks that we can just go back to the way we were, but some of the things she does seems like it. Obviously I don't want to go back to the way things were because there was a reason that she ended up with him anyway. Things are kind of confusing right now, but I just need to remember to not let these little nagging quesitons bother me, and just keep livin'. BTW, I think I've failed my Spanish class. I don't think I have the brain anymore to get a new language. Or at least the way that they teach it here. It's very remedial, and I am very used to the pace in college. I need to know when things are due, sooner than the day before, because I just don't have time. I need to have concepts and ways of thinking about things to keep me engaged. Learning the language the way they teach it is like learning your multiplication tables. If you have the necessary background you can do it, but if you can't you feel inadequate and develop a bad attitude which only leads to less partcipation and learning. How I know all these things and can still be failing the class I have no idea, but it's a test of my redmedialness (if that's even a word) more than it is a test of my intelligence or true ability to learn the language. |
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brianna | 03-20-05 12:59am congratulations. |