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| spud (profile) wrote, on 3-21-2005 at 11:04pm | |
| Current mood: happy Music: WHAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (my computer fan) |
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| you know, my best time of day is always twilight. both of 'em. sunrise and sunset. they just give me this feeling of vitality, and opportunity, and completion all at the same time. whenever i die, i want to die during the twilight hours. for some reason, i picture myself on a beach, while the sun sets, with a full head of very white hair. hrm. anyway, i've just been doing all sorts of thinking lately. the cast party, the group therapy last friday in 5th hour. just so much shit keeps bringing everything back. back to basics, and the front of my mind. and there's nothing i can do to stop it. it's just strange how these things happen. and how i respond to them. i'm always having these sort of visions. i call it the motion picture show. it happens all the time, but i'm particularly sensitive to it as i'm falling asleep. what i do is i have all these imaginary conversations in my head, and try to work them all out. like, conversations that i'm going to have in the future, with real people, about real things. sometimes it's something that's gonna happen the next day that i'm trying to find just the right words for (which never works, by the way, because by the next day when i have to remember them, all the genious words i had thought of in the last night have faded away). or if it's more of a dream, like a goal. today in the shower i was imagining myself making this movie. just one movie, based on my life story, that i have done really really well. even more frequent are all the things i think of that should be "on the CD" whenever Kevin and i do it. i'm confident the majority of these things won't actually make the final cut, but it feels good to think they will. or at least they might. i guess i just feel like so many things in my life are all half-assed (my family follows the 90% rule), and incomplete. i just long with all my heart for some sort of sense of closure. of a completed accomplishment that i can be proud of, despite its flaws. in the end i know i probably will never feel that way about anything that i do, but it's kinda depressing to think that nothing i do will have the impact i want it to. i don't think i worded that very well. oh well. see? i'm even doing it right now! i actually was sitting in the bathroom after my shower, trying to figure out how i would type this entry up. and now that i'm here, the words aren't coming, and i get all flustered. GARARRRR!!! sarah was right. geniuses are all crazy, and they do it to themselves. it feels all wrong to call myself a genius, but i'm not really thinking of it in the conventional meaning of the word. genius, to me, is just those people with accelerated capacities, like i have. but so many of them die young, and never achieve their full potential, simply because of the way their minds work. and i think i'm one of those people. and i just want to have someone who thinks like me, who has the same sort of mind, who's old and can help me through this. to give me proof that i can really go on and do something with my life. that i'm not going to live the rest of my life in complete frustration, overwhelmed by mediocrity. that's a funny word, whelm. it just looks funny, and feels weird to say. you know, whelmed actually means the same thing as overwhelmed. likewise, overwhelming = whelming. strange, huh? the things you learn... i'm rambling now, and would do better to shut my trap and using it to produce long processions of animated Zs emanating from my nasal cavities. i feel good, because i went over to kevin's and lifted and ran and stuff. i thought i'd be more sore, but we'll see how it feels tomorrow. and if this doesn't work out, i can always try Dynamo Tension! in other news, hector is getting a custom plate for his cabby that says: A55MAN and i can get a euro-plate from betten, for the successor of the rabbit, that says whatever i want - for like 50 bucks! schweet! lata playaz. i'm gonna snizzooze in the hizzouse. |
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phil-himself | 03-22-05 4:35pm I agree with you one hundred percent on the paragraph about geniuses. I don't think they always are better, I think they are just differant, like they see things in a completely abstract way to what the commonfolk would know. But sometimes differant is better. I think genius usually also includes modesty and always includes a degree of insanity, but of course exceptions exist as always. |
sugarjackj | 03-23-05 7:26pm that assman!
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