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| spud (profile) wrote, on 3-27-2005 at 11:06pm | |
| Current mood: drained Subject: Eatser |
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| yes, i said eatser. just because it's a typo, and i like it. i figure it's the equivalent of holy pron, or something. anyway. this weekend was good. i had a great time with jackie on saturday. i hope she had a good time as well. it seemed like she did. it's still strange for me to see all these girls, and think that suddenly they're not "off limits" anymore. for me, i've always been like creepishly loyal to all of my friends, so it's natural for me to have that mindset. and it's weird when i don't. but it's not all bad, because there's this one girl that does the communion sometimes at St. John Vianney, and she's absolutely gorgeous! i mean i've never met her before, and honestly don't intend to, but it's just nice to be able to ogle at her beauty, and not feel guilty about doing it. it's just wonderful. i haven't had that feeling in a long time. anyway. easter was good. lots of family and stuff. it was nice, very laid back. looks like my summer schedule is already beginning to fill up. it got me thinking about all this graduation bullshit. all the things to schedule, and parties and everything. i'm totally not ready. and it gets me to thinking about all this college shit. and dad talked about GVSU. which i never really considered until he said it. so when i sat down to do my calculus, i just started going through all this crap, and then my budget for BST and i started talking with dad about all of it. i just broke down right there at the kitchen table. on the one hand, it was awful. just all the feelings, and all the shit that's going on. but it felt really good when it was over. i mean, i still had that empty feeling that you get after a good cry, which - trust me - i haven't had in a very long time. when katie left, it wasn't a good cry. it was a very very bad cry. but this was a good one. my brain is just a garbled mess right now. and there's all this stuff that i'm "supposed" to be doing, and "supposed" to HAVE DONE MONTHS AGO! and it's just all such crap. all the things i need and want, and what everyone else wants, which is always the same thing: what's "best" for me. and dad is the only one who gets what i'm feeling, and responds in a way that makes me know he understands. and he says things that actually help. maybe more of the adults in my life understand what's going on, but they don't effectively communicate that to me, and they don't tell me anything that i find extremely helpful. if anything, they just contradict every goddamn thing that they just finished saying, which really leaves me with a lot of loose ends, but a convenient stance for them later on. i'm just pissed. and what's worse, is i don't know what to do about it. so i'll just spin my wheels some more, then run to dad, then get bitched at by mom, then get called a puss ass by bruce. GAAAHHHRRRRRR! i need some sleep. |
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sugarjackj | 03-28-05 3:40pm once again, advice from me.
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sugarjackj | 03-28-05 3:42pm once again, advice from me.
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spud | Re:, 03-31-05 5:29pm 10-4, good buddy.
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