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| kreyz (profile) wrote, on 4-23-2005 at 3:11am | |
| Current mood: okay Music: Lifehouse - Hanging by a moment |
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| Well, we had Trevors birthday party, and I guess everyone was well lit tonight. The party consisted of Jenny, Tom, Trevor, myself, Stacy, her friend Derek, and another friend of hers, Reese. Reese aparently knew Trevor cuz they bowled together, which is cool. Well, I do have to say that I am kinda putting myself into quite a pickle again. As some of you may know, I have a small problem with being quick to love. Everyone who knows me also knows that I have somewhat of a small problem with being alone. I'm afraid of being alone, to be fully truthful. And here is where my dilema comes in. Stacy is an awesome girl. I do have to say that she is very awesome. She's pretty much me, so to speak. It's like the missing link that I've been searching for these past 22 years. BUT she doesn't really want to be stuck in a relationship, for she's still getting used to being in the single life... and that is pretty much the only thing about her that I don't like. Its a fucked up dilema, I do have to say. I don't want to wait for her, but I also don't want to get into a relationship and figure out that she wants to be with me while i'm in said hypothetical relationship. I don't want to wait, and find out that what i've been waiting for is all for naught when she decides that we've known each other for so long, that it'd be wrong for us to be together. So what to do? The best road to go down right now is just to be her friend for now. I do feel the connection, but there is so much from each other that we both need to learn. We need to learn about how each of us handle things, what makes us tick. I've learned that she can be rather moody, but all people can. It's just how they get moody that is the tricky part. But like I said, I do feel a connection between us. Something within both of us that had been lacking something until we finally crossed paths... I know that at this point, I've been discribing this like it was fate... but to hell with you people, because I do believe in fate. I do believe in soulmates, and I do have to say, as gay as this may sound to my athiest friends, that God had us meet for a reason, and not just because we're two hyper ADD kids... not just because we are nearly alike... but I think, even though this may sound a little like i'm pushing it, but I think its because it could possibly be meant to be. Of course, I do think too far into these things, but its just gut instinct. I know I've fallen for girls very quickly in the past, but I have a strong gut instinct on Stacy and I. I don't know, though, if she feels it, too, or not, but if she is, I feel that she might be rejecting it, because she wants to make herself fell more independent. Independence isn't all that bad. I say go ahead and burn your bra, hun. But I do plan on waiting for you. I am definately prepared to be your friend, to learn more about you, and to possibly (and hopefully) fall for you. I remember you saying (while you were drunk) that you weren't worth it, but I do have to rebuttle and say "BULLSHIT!" If you weren't worth it, I would see it myself, and not even try to waste my time. I think that if you weren't worth it, I would probably be trying to hook up with someone else... But I don't, because I have such a fucking crush on Stacy, that it's unbearable to be without her. I know it makes me sound like a crazy, but I don't care. I think that she does care for me. Like its love, but not IN LOVE, u know? And I feel that way, too. You can still love someone without being in love with them. I do believe in that, and with me and my feelings for Stacy, this is definately one of them cases... I love to be around her, holding her, cuddling with her, kissing her, hugging her, tickling her, and playing with her, and I don't even really think about sex when i'm around her... of course that part of my brain doesn't automatically shut off when I'm around her, i do have to say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but I don't want to really taint something this perfect. I'm falling even more in love with you letting go of all I've held onto I'm standing here until you make me move I'm hanging by a moment here with you I'm living for the only thing I know I'm running and not quite sure where to go and I don't know what I'm diving into just hanging by a moment here with you I think that says what I'm tryna say. I do hope that she does check this out, and respond in some way. Although she left nearly 2 hours ago, I already miss her. Hopefully, my wish to be with her could be complete. But for now, I hope that I will be dreaming of her once I go to bed tonight. She's already on my mind, and at least right now, the thing about her on my mind is that I know that she is home and safe. And thats good. lol She did call me when she was almost at her house, saying that she was sorry that she kinda blew me off cuz we didn't have sex, and I just told her that it wasn't important to me, which is because it really isn't. 2 reasons: one, because granted that would be really nice, I don't really want to be having sex with someone that I'm not necessarily in a relationship with. That's kinda how I got in trouble before. and two, it isn't important to me because I don't want to have a relationship with her based on sex. That has happened before, and I don't like it. I would rather be spending quality time with her, either just sitting around or even playing mini golf, or whatever! I care about this girl too much to let it all go just for a lil fling. To hold her, kiss her, hug her, all that! Its just pure ecstasy... I feel so lifted when I'm practically babying her the way I do. I don't know if shes used to the attention or not, but I want her to be. And I don't want to get her used to it, and then take it away from her. I want to be the kind of guy who does full-on pamper treatment on a girl. She is too precious to me, like the One Ring to Gollum... yeah, exactly. I don't know how other people are gonna react to this entry, but what I do have to say is that if its negative, I won't care. You people know how I am, and how I deal with shit. So, even if you don't like it, I'd say at least give me a good luck or something. But right now, i'm dead fuckin' tired, and I gotta get some sleep before this headache in the back of my head blows up all tumor style. Nighty, ya'll... Peace n Chicken Grease... -Kevin |
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| Anonymous | 04-23-05 9:59am OMG!!!! *Shakes head* |