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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 5-27-2005 at 11:04pm | |
| Current mood: cranky Music: rest for the weary + cool hand luke Subject: I WOULD'VE MADE A LIST... |
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| i honestly would've made a list of "i'm sick of..." but i then realized, at that point, that my anti-gravitation concerning god was becoming more relevant. right now i feel like venting, i'll be honest. i feel like saying how much i hate this or that. and so badly... that i can barely hold myself back from typing up a bunch of whiny statements about my discontentment with myself. unfortunately, it is highly likely that i will end up venting by the end of this entry. well, i guess here it goes. i'm sick of being weird, i guess, and the fact that people think i'm weird in return. hey, apples = apples, right? i find myself becoming more and more UNlike how i honestly want to be. and there are always those few people i am around, and i am the way i want to be-- i am myself. no compensation. i realized today (or was it yesterday?) that i will know i'm in love when i am content with who i am around somebody-- when i am my 100% true self (or closest to 100%), when i don't put up any fronts at all, when i don't make myself look like anybody else,... when i am comfortable as myself. even in my more... rough moments, i guess. yeah, i don't know. and it always comes back to the all-too-infamous self-esteem issue. i hate it. i hate it so much, and i know god despises it because it is satan telling me i'm not pretty enough, that it's the reason why people will be attracted to certain other people-- because their personalities are in a "more attractive package." sometimes i feel like it's my fault for not looking like a supermodel or something-- and while i know what i eat is totally in my control, how i look in other fashions is totally unreliant on me. and i hate it when people pity me. gosh, i hate it, i hate it so much. and when people leave me out. i can't tell you how much that happens. i don't know why, maybe it's because i'm an introvert. maybe it's because, once again, i am weird, i am embarrassing. who freaking knows anymore. sometimes i find myself on the fringes of "i don't care" because i am so exhausted. and then somehow i am messed up because i have human emotion, because certain things bother me-- or, rather, they're supposed to bother me. i'm sorry if this is not making any sense, a lot of it isn't really supposed to. sometimes i just want the world to stop, i want the clocks to stop, i want people to freeze, and i want the situation to freeze, and i want to scream out, "why can't you just love me and not hold back?!" because so much, i want to be released from it all. i want people to say they love me directly instead of saying that teasing me is an indirect way of doing so. but then god reminds me that, if that were so, i would be god. i would be the sun-- the center of the universe. and he humbles me, and reminds me that it's not about me. but he reminds me that i can be comfortable around him, that he will always directly say that he loves me. and then he says that life can stink, but he'll help me deal with it. and that i'm beautiful, i'm his. and if that's so, then i'm definitely a gorgeous creature. he tells me i can be selfish, and it's dumb, and i agree. and yet so many times i find myself holding back from yelling at my faithful god, "why does all the crappy stuff happen to me? why don't i look like this person or that person? why does this person treat me this way? why me, god, why?" i'm just very glad that i've only been tempted by it, and haven't done it. i don't think i will, either, which is a deep comfort to my soul. i just can't stand the fact that i constantly hurt my faithful god... _autumn |
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jessa_lynne | 09-07-05 11:30pm i just want to give you a giant hug. |
aushpog | Re:, 09-12-05 5:49pm your comment made me smile.
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