silentcriez | 06-28-05 1:02am ive been reading -- and im reminded of how ive felt.. read and tell me if im close at all
of course you dont have to read it all.. hell you dont have to read it at all i just thought maybe youd like someone who could empathize with you
"i believe i am getting sick to my stomach with this life im living right now. this routine life that never changes. and when it does it is always for the worse. im trying to think of something good thats happened lately. trying to convince myself that others do have it worse. but i just can't. not with things the way they are right now. i think im ultimately upset with just the fact that life has thrown me a major curve and i DONT know how to handle it. and i just want to be deeply and truly loved by someone. i want that someone to love every ounce of me and not care what i dress like or if i wear my hair weird one day. i want them to not care at all what im wearing or how i wear it- becasue they would love me, and that would mean they would love my style and how i talk, how i move, how i smile, my presence, the way i smell- nothing about me would ever get old to them. and i want the same for me. i want to love someone with that much passion. that nothing ever grows old. even though time passes so quickly and i grow old msyelf. i want change. i need change. but the changes that have been occuring lately are not very good. i dont know if i can handle it any longer...i cried so hard last night. i stopped. but it wasnt becasue i was done crying- it's because i made myself stop crying. i had a breakdown. probably the worst breakdown i've ever had. and i can gradually feel myself breaking. is that possible? can a heart really ache? is it true that when you figure out every thing there is to know about life you die? i guess sometimes i've felt invisible. and then at other times i feel im in the spotlight...and dont know what to do about either one. so either way- it's uncomfortable. im not a miserable person. im usually happy. i dont want others to be sympathetic for me. i just want to know they care. and i believe there are people who care for me. im not some hopeless depressed person. but sometimes- you forget. you forget how much you're loved and how many friends you really have and you convince yourself somehow that you've just become invisible. and sometimes you just need a reminder to come along, tap you on your shoulder, and bring you back to life again. that is what i need. that is what a lot of people need. "
i cry
and the sting of my tears
hits my swelling wrist
i cringe and run the blade
over my already mutilated arm
i cry out in pain
but nobody can hear me
they dont wanna listen..
dont wanna hear what i have to say
these crazy thoughts im thinking in my head
Are just pounding now
and my head its about to explode
im dizzy sitting here
holding the deadend phone
i look into the mirror
touch my hair
touch my face
pick something to smash it
just wanna start over
wish that i could erase..
my eyes they peirce my skin
they reflect right back at me
looking straight through me
i am hollow
and useless
wishing to be lifeless
i hate beauty
and i hate you
my mind its working over time
projecting images of your face
shooting thoughts into my mouth
i too quickly speak them
without thinking..
and i hurt myself again
i thrust this cold blade
into my lifeless pale arm
and sudenly my anger drifts away
soon to return...
did you ever think that this blade could push so far?
that the blood could be drawn so fast?
that life can amke you do crazy things?
did you ever fear not waking in the morning
and live each day as if its your last?
did you remeber to tell everyone how you feel about them..
have you said all of your thank yous
breathed in all this fresh air?
did you walk along the ocean...
nothing to obstruct your view just a vast blue pool of forever...
have you let the wind rush through your hair
and sweep across your chest?
did you hold yourself like no one could be better?
and think like you could never be wrong?
have you indulged yourself so deeply into something that you feel so amazingly beautiful?
have you felt truly happy?
have you planted a flower.. and given something back to the world?
have you waved to a lonely person..
or helped someone in need?
live each day as if youll never get another chance...
breathe each breath liek youll never breathe again.
will you leave this place having made a difference?
or will your presence be overlooked?
like the millions before...
candles burning to the bottom of the wick
only to be replaced by a new?
live like each day is your last...
and never regret...
-----------------------------
fear not for dying...
fear for living forever...forever without a meaning...
tis' not the end of your journey..
your glass is not yet empty
just vacant for time
waiting to be filled again..
once youve reached the bottom the only way to go is up.
bubbles flowing from your mouth
air bottled up inside
water filling your lungs.
and you can see the light of day above you
and you can feel its warmth just out of reach
and you want so badly to swim upwards
but your body will not move
will not swim
will not breath
all of life flashing before you
regret after regret
every could have been pulling you below...
and a vision of what you were floats above you
just a vacant soul waiting
waiting to die...
and when pulled to the bottom..
waiting to be rescued,
rescued not from death
but from life
a life without meaning can kill...
as the water slowly takes over your body
you think to yourself...
if only life gave second chances...
if only things were as they seem in movies
if only reality werent so permanent...
life is death... and each day we plunge into this bottomless pit of liquid
this blue susbstance which decides our fate.
bubbles flowing from your mouth
air bottled up inside
water fills your lungs.
and you can see the light of day above you
and you can feel its warmth just out of reach
and you want so badly to swim upwards...
a black figure appears in sight
a life line... a second chance
will you take it?
--
this is life right? day to day? does everyone always feel like i do? is it normal. cuz i really dont know. i always thought hey i guess every1 goes thru it right? im not teh only ine. well lately eveyrthing ive been going thru seems outrageous. am i the only one who feels this? am i teh only one phased by dishonesty? and rudeness? and everything im so abruptly faced with day to day.i mean i guess its normal to cry right? i mean everyone does right? but i cry alot.. almost every night... all different things im crying over.. but always branching from one thing... the void this life.. so oddly toyed with. my mother.. absence is present.. to be funny with my words. but omitting all jokes, of any sense i am terrified of being alone. im distraught over the fact that people so important to me can get up and vansih just like that... am i not considered? does my heart not beat like every othe rmortal? am i unnoticed?
today.. today.. today...
me.. its days like these that make me feel selfish. and ungrateful for everyhting i have. and make me feel guilty for the tears i cry. its days like these i wish that every wrong could be rectified. and everything bad in tehw orld would somehow vanish. that it would somehoe evenesce away where it would not harm anything i care about. and this, this happens everyday, but i dont take the time to notice everyone elses fears, and troubles. becuz i am too wrapped up in my own self doubt. im just dying to bite at myself. to find some new flaw. soemthing new to hate me for... some reason why i am unwanted almost excusing my absence, mentally... but things like this.. they show me how much life has in store for me..and how materialistic and greedy i am.
another thing...after writing such a touching entry, it makes me want to shoot myself. but my petty problems keep nagging at me as well.. i am crying over a boy again. what is wrong with me? why do i let msyelf get sooo attatched so easily.. why do i need that void which my mother left open... why do i go after the ones who i know i have no chance of ever being loved by. i guess i just hope that somehow.. that i will someday be good enuff for them... but this pain is too strong this time, i cant handle it. i just want to scream out loud that i love him.. that i want him, in every way. not just physically, its beyond that. my emotions go a wire when i see him. i am crazy with him. my heart beats out of my chest when i look into his eyes. and all i can do is sit and watch, as i am taken under by this lulling under toe...becoming putty in his hands, i have melted, and i feel no need to stand....
this entry is to me, may i not lsoe sight of what is important in my life, may i not pitty, may i not posess greed, may i appreciate, may i fulfill my new years resolution... may i be something i like when i look in the mirror, may i rest in bed, without vein thoughs seeping into my pillows....
this entry... is to a change...
- Amanda Elizabeth Maltz
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