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toki (profile) wrote,
on 7-22-2005 at 8:12pm
I want to apologize, but then I really don't. I feel like I've been wrong. I feel like all I've done is hurt people. I feel like everything I've done in the past few months has been selfish and stupid. What happened to me? I don't deserve happyness. Isn't it sad that I honestly think that? I try to convince myself otherwise, I swear to god that I do. But it's hard. I can't do this anymore. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I think is wrong. I want a day that's like two summers ago. Or even last summer. I love the people who are here now, but I wish at the same time that those people (mainly Ryan) could have come into the picture and everything else could have stayed in tact. I guess we all grew apart. It wasn't just because of me. But I feel guilty. I just feel alone. It's been eating away at me for a while and I want to run away, but I don't know from what or to what. I don't know where I'm going. My future is basically screwed. I hate myself for not ding this shit sooner. I hate myself for being stupid. I have no future. Do you know whose fault that is? Mine. All mine.

Not that anything was ever simple (with us, simple was never a part of the equation, lol) But I guess what I want the most is simplicity. I want to be able to erase the bad pasts with people and only have the good times to look back on. I want to be able to invite everyone I know to a party without worrying who doesn't like who.

I really don't like who I am anymore. So I guess all of you who spend your time talking about how much I've changed for the worse, your time has now come. You were right. If I weren't me, I'd want to get as far away as possible from me too. I am me and I want to do that. I'm sorry that I'm not leaving next year. I'm sorry that you still hve to deal with me. I'll try to make it painless. I swear. I hate myself as much as you do.
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mudpiegrl

07-23-05 1:28am

well, dear, i dont hate you and am super happy you arent going away. you were the one i was worried about leaving and i hate to say i was gladened by the prospect of you not leaving. rather than not wanting to spend time with you, i wish i could spend more time with you. but i have work and you have work and there are now so many complications, its disappointing to not be able to hang out with you and sandy like we used to. and its not just your boys, although it kinda adds in. but i like them...we should do a girls night like once a month or so.

we can watch johnny and all our other favourite men...:-D

but i honestly dont mind hanging out with you. i love hanging out with you. ive seen a lot of different patrices, and i've liked them all...regardless of what those "other people" say.

nobody's life is simple, as great as that would be. oh but how boring..."what'd you do today?" "saw a movie" "with the guy" "yea" "i asked him out" "were you nervous?" "no" "did he hesitate?" "no. but when i told him that i didnt want to be kissed, he totally understood and told me to give him a sign when i was ready" "dont you think that'll be hard?" "no, he gave me a bell."

okie so it's a little unrealistic...but when you didnt like a person, you just forgot about them like a candy wrapper after the chocolate's gone. honestly now, how sadly dry.

btw, you deserve happiness (happyness). do you know why? because everyone does. even those people, as much as i disagree. do you know why else? because you have put up with so many different peoples shit, intentional or not. not only that, you are patient and not demanding. you treat people well listen respectfully, even if you dont care. then, as if it wasnt any effort at all to listen to droning blabber, you respond in ways that are more helpful than most people in this world. you can hold intelligent conversations and also play as if you havent a care in the world. you're one of those storybook characters where you read abotu htem and go...hm..i wish people were really like that.

but there are people like that and one of them is you.

and someone like you couldnt possibly be wrong. in fact, no one is really wrong. ryan was right. there are thousands of people who have a defect, so therefore, it no longer exsists as a defect. one wrong thought can persuade another to think the same. perhaps they already did. but wrong thoughts are those that change the world arent they? it was not proper for women to think at all, but they eventually made their way to having a voice in government and everything else, at least in this country.

i know right now sucks becasue it sucks for me, too, but i figure the end of this summer will allow us to meet new people and so every let down is more reason to be optimistic, although ill probably still be let down next time, it's another opportunity to look forward to.

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sweetyas

07-24-05 10:31pm

Patrizzle Gentizzle i miss you. I still think you are awesome. My favorite english buddy of all time (you even had competition Mel T and Susie Brown). I know what you mean by the we all grew apart, its just we all have work adn some of us have stupid curfews (1030). So i dont hang out with anyone, its sad. But I love you patrice and u're awesome. we had so many good times.

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