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| rayray (profile) wrote, on 10-11-2005 at 11:06am | |
| I barely eat. I barely sleep. I'm constantly getting sick. Or feeling sick. I hate who I have become since my heart was broken. I hate the person he is. I hate that he constantly talks about her. I am so easily annoyed I can't stand to be around myself. So I sit in silence. I am so quiet I scare myself. I've been so mean to him that I hate myself for being so cold and heartless to someone other than myself. I keep contradicting myself. I want revenge. I want him to feel the pain I feel everyday. Every second of everyday. I want him to suffer. I want him to know what it feels like to lose everything that had importance in your life. To lose everything you ever dreamed of having. To have everything just ripped away from you just like that. I wish that he'd hurt so bad he'd lose sleep. He'd stop eating. He'd be sick. I want him to know what it's like to feel this alone on top of all the other things I have to deal with. I wish he'd understand a little of how I feel. I wish he'd quit telling me that he loves me even though I want him to tell me so much. I want him to actually mean it when he says it. If he loved me he wouldn't have done what he did. He wouldn't have given up on me. He wouldn't be doing what he's doing to me. I want so badly just to tell him how I feel. I informed him a little bit. Enough to spark curiousity. I asked questions I thought I'd get answers to. Maybe Andy's right. Maybe he hasn't answered my questions yet because he's trying to keep me from hating him, trying to keep me close incase things don't work out with her. He's holding onto me, because he knows I'd do anything, give anything, to be with him again. He knows that if I have the answers I want, it will help me move on. It will help me get over him. I purposely try to piss him off. So that it's easier for me to push him away. But he knows that I can't stand for him to be upset with me. He knows that if he shows that he's upset with me, I'll apologize. And then he'll tell me I have nothing to be sorry for. Then I will explain why I believe I should be sorry, and start crying. And he'll be right there to comfort me. To put me back together. I feel like I'm still falling in love with him. I'm seeing a different side of him. A side I should hate because it hurts me so much. Yet I just continue to fall in love with him. Everytime I talk to him. Everytime I laugh with him. Create any sort of memory with him, I fall deeper into love with him. Yet he makes me so miserable. If I don't talk to him I hurt more. |
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box | 10-11-05 9:55pm What andy says may be true, most guys will do that so they have somone to fall back on incase things dont work out with another person. Kind of like a plan B type of thing.. but nobody likes to be plan b. Im sorry you have to go thru such greif. Times are kinda hard for me as well but nothing like others. I just have personal problems to deal with..
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rayray | Re:, 10-12-05 9:03am I'm either a fall back plan, or a well kept secret.
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