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| mudpiegrl (profile) wrote, on 12-4-2005 at 12:59am | |
| have you ever been walking up the stairs and you forget that there isnt a step...so you prepare for one...and sort of lunge forward because of surprise and then upright yourself, and look around to make sure no one's looking? ill have to talk to him tomorrow, and he'll probably make me feel good, because he always does...which is no good. he's so manipulative. and i still fall...fall...further into his pit. Saturday, October 29, 2005 Today was bad, and I know that’s no excuse, and so I’m sorry. I mean that with all sincerity. I know you don’t understand though. I wish you did. You don’t understand the fact that your existence has been an experience like that in Alice in Wonderland. At first, I curiously peered into the hole that stood before me. The cave was dim, but soon, sunlight came and I could see the cloudy room. The haze blurred my vision but I bravely took a step . I assumed it would be a short fall: that what would come would not be a fall at all, but a decrease in height. I thought I would merely be standing in a puddle of water. I found I was wrong. I began to collapse quickly, and the hole lightened up, but only to the depths that I had fallen. A few times, I questioned my journey and grabbed hold to my slimy surroundings, gripping that which was trying. Reassuring myself, I allowed my swollen fingertips to loosen and plunged hopelessly once again. I rejoiced in the freedom of the descent upon release, which was quickly passed in the monotonous hope of a malleable landing. Of course, at the times of greatest hope, the light dimmed darker and I feared that I would not land, but stop falling and find myself shouting in fear at the roots of a tree, being awoken in a real world. However, the plummet continued and still does. I fear the light will dim once more and I will feel only a miserable rousing from an enchanting dream of tumbling freely. worse than that is the fact that he's been the most artist inspiration ive had...ever.  (I need to put this here to remember that it's his and my hands and how much emotion the picture evokes now.) and incredible inspiration for learning and doing what i want to do. also, lately, ive been finding things that'd be fun to change...like should i cut my hair differently? get a tattoo? get a piercing? ...not two days later, i began to analyze myself (like always) on that particular subject. i want to change something about myself, something noticeable so that i will gain attention. who do i want attention from? well...that's obvious. look at the choices i picked for changing. he's succeeded in making me want to be like him, just how he wants me. just how he wants everyone. however, some of the things he wants from me are not so bad. when i was doing my painting, he told me that he didnt actually think that my art sucked, as he often says jokingly, but that i dont ever do as well as i could. why does his opinion matter to me so much? i fear his disapproval with my entire body; so much that when i picture the look in my head, i cringe. |
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