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| jacqui-chan (profile) wrote, on 12-30-2005 at 8:37pm | |
| Current mood: lord knows Music: What Not to Wear Subject: more... |
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| Yet another moment of absolute control ruined by weakness. I was at JD's today, to make stuff for his mom's new years party, and when I was done cooking I brought him to his room so we could be alone and talk. I told him that he'd been acting like kind of a jerk lately, not to mention acting like I have the plague. He asked how... I couldn't tell him. He looked at me in that "I know what this is working toward" way, and I lost it. He was so sad and so... I don't know... not angry, maybe frusterated, disappointed. He was just not happy. But I gave him the only example I could find in my blank mind. Then he went on to tell me that he was only acting that way because I have been irritating him. Now really, the only reason I've bugged him at all is because I won't just let him get off the phone or leave in the middle of a conversation. I need closure with stuff, I need everything to be totally fixed before we leave each other. He doesn't ever want to finish though! It drives me bonkers... really it does! When I told him that he just went silent. We sat there not talking for a long time... which was bad because it gave me time to figure out my next move. Or more to decide that what I thought I should do, I really should do. So I hugged him, he barely hugged me back. Then I kissed him on the cheek and he asked me "what now?" I couldn't say anything. The words wouldn't come out. I needed to say what I had planned, but I couldn't... it was terrible. I think he got where it was going though. Finally some words came, but not the ones I planned on. I said "nothing's ever going to change... I mean, you said yourself you'd never change." He asked what I meant. I said "I want things to change back to what they used to be, but you said you wouldn't change." I told him that I'm sick of coming last with him. I want to be first like I was before. (by first I mean before his friends... not important stuff.) I let him know that he's always been first with me, because, though I love my friends and still hang out with them, I love him and he is my best friend. He used to be that way with me, he even told me I was his best friend. Lately though it's been all about him friends or him, not me at all. He doesn't even consider me anymore. I work a lot anyway, so it's not like he can never see his friends or anything, he can. Wow, this is sounding really selfish now that I read it. Jeez. I still do want to be number one... he is with me. I just, I don't know. I need him to be a shoulder I can cry on. I need him to hug me and kiss me and tell me everything will be okay. I need to believe that it really will be okay just because he said it. That's how it was before. When I had my surgery, when my Grandma was in the hospital, even when he had his surgery. I knew everything would be okay because he said it would. And it was. So maybe I am being a little selfish, but everybody deserves to be selfish sometimes right. This is my time. So there ya' go. Okay I'll shut up. I've rambled enough. Chao loves. |
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breezeyluvsu | 12-31-05 12:03pm Your not selfish at all. What he's done, was pretty much tease you in the worst way. Your his best friend... and now.. your just the girl that he talks to all the time? Like he has to talk to you.. Like it's a drag?
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