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mle (profile) wrote,
on 1-24-2006 at 9:16pm
Current mood: . disheartened .
Music: . something corporate .
Subject:
. split personalities are the best/worst thing ever .


welp, kiddos, this is going to be a short one... because i have to be a functioning member of society in just a few minutes.... in other words, try to get girls on my floor to do some yoga and eat up these cookies that the dept gave me. gagmenow.

i'm such a mess.
in so many ways.

just when i get motivated and excited and ready to take on the world, reality hits. hard. and confuses the shit out of me.
i don't understand. i feel like the better my intentions get and the more effort i put into planning/replanning/unplanning my life, the worse it ends up.
maybe i should just drop everything, quit trying to succeed, and float through like everyone else who seems to be having the best time of their fucking worthless lives.
but even then i wouldn't be happy.
i don't think i can be happy.
well, for more than a few minutes/hours, that is. i am happy sometimes. and when i am, it's amazing. i'm estatic about the world, all of the people,places,things in it. i'm like drunk off happiness.
and either it eventually wears down or i get dropped and my little bubble of joy bursts and i feel worse than i did beforehand.

i feel like i struggle with a lot of things so much more than everyone else.. so is there something wrong with me, or am i just a total baby/overthinker? i'd like to hope a combination of the two, but who knows...

i just want to feel content, successful, fulfilled.
i want to be loved and to love another, to be open to sharing my life with another person instead of being so god-damned self-focused all the time.

i just want to be in control.
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spud

01-24-06 11:50pm

um.

i think we may be soul mates or something.

because i have the EXACT same problem. word for word. seriously. i just. it. but. jigga. wha. just, for serious.

i wish i had an answer for you. but hopefully there's some comfort in the company anyway. and i don't look at it as comiseration. unless of course we're both miserable. which i don't think it quite counts as misery. or maybe it does, i don't know.

but anyway. i really want to say something sage and helpful, and i just can't. but at the same time, i know exactly what you're talking about, and feel the same way about 80% of the time. the other 20 is fantastic, though. ; )

chin up. just do the best you can with what you've got. nobody can ask for more than that. you, least of all. you know for yourself that you gave your best, because if you could do better, you would, in a heartbeat. and you should know that too. so it has to be your best. no matter how pathetic it may seem in comparison to everybody else.

smile once for me, okay? and i'll smile back, because i need it too.

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