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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 4-2-2006 at 7:24pm
Current mood: frustrated
Music: Jimmy Eat World - Futures
Subject: I always believed...
My dad talked to me today about myself. It looks like I'll probably get evaluated and then, if I need it, some professional help. I hope. I really do hope because I want so bad to be better... I want to be happy.

I'm frustrated because I don't know myself at all. I'm such a mess, my thoughts are always contradicting eachother. My brain and my heart are telling me two different things and it's making me insane... I want to know who I am, I want to be able to be happy when I'm alone. I don't want to constantly talk to people so I can feel good about myself. I want to know for a fact that I'm pretty and acutally feel it, too.

My weight loss is going good. I'm happy that I have will power. I want to go and eat ice cream and noodles and sushi.com so badly. But I won't because I need to reach this goal.

I kind of want to go to bed right now. Pretty bad... Kirk said the loops under my eyes were incredibly noticable and I should get more sleep. He looks so silly with his puffy cheeks. And he was totally fat in seventh grade and it was so funny looking! It was fun. Today was a good day with Kirk. He kept picking me up and saying nice things to me... But his mom... She's frickin insane. God, that crazy woman.

So yeah. I'm going to be learning Spanish soon. I've been talking to Mauricio... He speaks Spanish so pretty, he reminds me of Jeremiah which makes me really sad... But I'm excited because I'll be able to speak Spanish and impress Jeremiah.

'and hold each others hands to fight the dark... so you know that you're never on your own...'

love,
amelia

p.s. you suck at stalking me. i have four more journals besides this one. loser.
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oceanchild

04-03-06 4:46am

I hope that everything works out for you. I love you.

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Anonymous

..., 04-03-06 8:58am

All you have to remember is to not label yourself. It's good to have dreams and goals. Remember the difference between a dream and a goal? A goal is something to achieve; a dream is something never reached. I believe you have reached both.

You've done many great things.

I'm surprised you're still losing weight. You were very beautiful the last time I saw a picture of you. Why must you continue this quest? Is there a feeling of never being good enough? Who are you trying to impress? Are you trying to impress yourself or others? What makes you think you're still terrible inside? When I think about you, I think about that girl I knew and still know to be beautiful inside.

You are not a monster. :)

Good choice on the Spanish. Spanish transfers around msot colleges and universities in the U.S. I thought about learning French because of the recurrent revolts. Hopefully, there is no French Revolution.

I'd like to give you some advice: maybe it will help you. Have you ever thought about learning psychology? I just like to recommend to people take up a psychology book, start reading, and learning more about psychology. When one learns about psychology, he or she can learn more about his or her state of mind and body. I deeply recommend all people learn the basics of psychology. You might be interested in cognitive behavior.

If that doesn't help, try some incense. ;)

P.S.

I'm not stalking, I've been reading your journal since you were 15. :-p



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