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spud (profile) wrote,
on 4-6-2006 at 2:01am
Current mood: i must be eeemo...
Music: the Impressions - People Get Ready
Subject: these are rhetorical...

i can't focus. i can't think about anything else. i'm just so lost in my own head. so zoned out. i'm sick of having responsibilities. i don't want them anymore. i just want to subsist, but i'm in a society that won't allow it. and i want to figure out who i really am, and what i'm really here for. how the fuck am i supposed to do that when i can't even properly exist here? and how am i supposed to have a healthy relationship with anyone when i'm insane? and is there a way to have a truly healthy relationship without treating it like you're fucking married? i mean, dad and kathy are great, and i'm really happy for them and the steps that they've taken together. and i would one day like to take those same steps. but not right now, man. not right now. right now i'm supposed to be crazy college party all the time like. i'm supposed to skip my classes. i'm supposed to ignore this paper i'm writing. i'm supposed to waste mommy and daddy's money.

right?

i'm supposed to be a general education loser. i'm certainly not the "honors" type. but now that i'm here, it's like i'm stuck in the commitment. like i have to finish what i started unwittingly. that's really fucking fair. say "hey, umm... listen, we're not going to tell you what you need to do. we'll just give you free reign, and you can guess a lot. and for every wrong guess, you get an anal probe and a loan to pay off. how does that sound? good." then when i fuck up, i guess i just should have known better, according to them. but HOW oh wise ones. HOW am i supposed to know better, when in actuality, i know virtually nothing at all. and what little knowledge i do have is so trivial, so mundane, that it's not even worth knowing.

feelings suck, because they lie to me. and i have a hard time discerning between them and the truth.

i wanna go to bed.
Post A Comment
Anonymous

04-06-06 2:33am

Aww Chris, I'm sorry that you're feeling like this right now. But my guess is that this end of the semester/year stress is not helping. I'm betting that in a few weeks, you'll feel a lot better, will be able to think a lot clearer, and will be able to figure out these questions for yourself. If you want to talk to anyone about it, I'd love to hang out. Just try to relax for now and just get through this last stretch.

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liz

04-06-06 10:14am

yeah its not just in honors that they dont tell you anything.
or maybe I just dont listen.
anyway they push majors on me left and and right and for some reason wont let me take the classes that I not only want but need to satisfy my gen ed bullshit.
Im pretty sick of this school

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sugarjackj

04-06-06 11:32am

Why do you have to figure out who you really are? You are what you are. Your everyday actions make up who you are. You will never fully find yourself because you are constantly changing. Which is why you must except that you are your actions.

And its never to late to change what you are doing. You are never stuck in one place, there are always options. They may have tremendous consequences, but it may be for the better. You never know.

Just take a deep breath and realize that you are young. Problems will come, go, and work out eventually. Everything happens for a reason.

Take joy in what you have now, while you can. You have a great girlfriend, a good education, a loving family, and your health. So don’t fret its ok.


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Anonymous

04-08-06 8:46pm

Yeah crazy university party all the time! Constant 3-somes! More booze! Wooo hooo! Party! Out of cheap-ass beer? Do not worry! I'll use my mommy and daddy's credit card they gave me to use for everything!

I've never received an anal probe from the honours college, it was always more like a buckshot up the ass, point blank.
"Oh but HOW does it hurt?!

I'm fucking bleeding lady, my colon is now located next to my shoulder...

But HOOOOOWWW did it get there?!

Yes, not only how, but also how is its new position related to poor peasants in Spain fighting Fascists and Communists?

I'm bleeding you focking gobshite! Call a fucking ambulance or something! You shot me you pricks!

But HOW did we shoot you?

Yes, but the Spanish peasants did not call ambulances.

Good for fucking the... (blood leaks from the mouth, and promptly collapses to the floor)"

-Excerpt from Honours Euro Civ

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Anonymous

goodness!, 04-08-06 9:44pm

I'm going to have to start signing my posts after all... anonymity is becoming a trend here.

*unconditional love*
KB

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Anonymous

Re: goodness!, 04-11-06 11:11pm

That last one was me though...about the buckshot through the ass...

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