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| cowboy67 (profile) wrote, on 2-19-2003 at 10:46pm | |
| Current mood: apathetic Music: coldplay Subject: what can clocks do? |
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| today is wednesday. i now have 4 days to do: a poetry project in which i pick 5 poems and analyze them, a paper analyzing "the merchant of venice" by shakespeare, and a project for my anatomy class on a bone disease called pyorrhea. why am i so apathetic all the time?? it's seriously weird. i can't accept the reason being that i have "senioritis". bullshit. i was never such a lazy procrastinator. maybe there's too much going on for me to just sit and concentrate. actually i think i know what it is. i'm sick of doing things that i don't want to do. it feels like i've been overwhelmed with doing things i really don't like (i really don't know how else to explain what i mean) and having to allow outside forces dictate my life. i don't like how we all have to follow rules. and i'm not talking about stopping at a red light. i mean how i can't take off on a road trip out west just because i feel like it... so that i can park my car in the middle of the desert and lay down on the hood during a thunderstorm and experience something i have never felt before. i mean how we have to go to school for 16 years of our lives, then get a job, then work for 30 more years, then we have to tend to our gardens and go to the doctor every other week. i think about it, and it seems that all i can do is wait for that tedious, meaningless, wasteful ladder-climb to money to be over with. to wait out all that crap i don't want to do but have to do anyway. and there's waiting for other things too. waiting for that time - that happy time when you get to be with someone, or you get to see a movie you've wanted to see forever, or when the sun comes out again. it's like a constant wait for something, anything besides the current time/being/feeling/breath, that lasts a split second, and then you're back to waiting again. and then one day the wait is over cuz you're dead. life is waiting for death. i don't know. this is merely thoughts written down, it's not supposed to make sense. it's so frustrating. there's certain simple things i love so much about the world, but there's also the realization that i won't be able to bask in these joys whenever i want and i have to put up with a lot of stupid annoying things that are not going to matter when i die! ahhh!!!! obviously, everyone has to do this too... but i just wish there was some way for everyone to realize it, and think, "hmm this is dumb." but that's never going to happen and money will always exist, so there's really no point in trying to rebel and change society. i just want to be happy in my own life, and i know i'm going to try my hardest to do that, but right now there are certain restrictions that i can't override and it's preventing my happiness. therefore i end up writing all this shit. long distance relationships are hard. |
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| Anonymous | 02-20-03 3:38am yea, wow, taking words out of my brain huh? love it. i wish we could all just do what we want. think of how many happy people there'd be? but no, society is the lamest thing ever. i say you go on that road trip. see what happens. and i'll meet you half way. |