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| rayray (profile) wrote, on 5-5-2006 at 11:31pm | |
| Current mood: *contemplative* Music: *leave the pieces - the wreckers* Subject: *just one of those days* |
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| The one time I need my mom, she doesnt answer her phone. I need the strength to give up. To quit fighting this. But in a way I do have the strength because I'm admitting that I need to give up. I've never tried this hard for anything. I've never wanted anything more than this. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. But maybe I needed to find that one thing I had to give up, because I've never had it before. Or maybe I'm just scared that he'll never love me as much as I love him. That I'm not good enough for him. No matter how much I try to make myself be. I'm the most insecure person that is completely sure of how she feels. Or maybe its the fact that things are going so great that I can't stand it. That it feels like something is wrong. I used to run away from a good relationship after a month. But this one has lasted 6 months. I've never fought for something this much. I need someone to tell me its okay to be with him. I need someone to be on my side. I need something or someone to help me through this. I told Jay tonight that he's lucky because he has alcohol to help him excape reality when things get tough. I have nothing. I don't do drugs. I gave up drinking. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't drink again. I don't want to turn out like my mother. I want/need more self control. I need a hobby, because I do too much thinking when I just sit around. When Mike is at work and I'm up at the wee hours of the morning, I sit and think. I wonder about all the insane possibilites. I think up things that it shouldn't even be possible to think about. And I feel crazy. I feel like I should be locked up somewhere for scientific research. Oh and I've decided that I want pictures of all of you so I can make one huge collage to put up in my apartment. The walls are too bare and I can't paint them. So start sending. Stacy, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to take some pictures for me. I've seen some of your stuff, and its amazing. Same with you Carley. I envy your talent. |
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anachronism | 05-06-06 5:00pm Ok. Let me know when. :)
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rayray | Re:, 05-06-06 7:06pm With as poor as I am right now, I can only pay you with love. |
anachronism | Re: Re:, 05-06-06 10:44pm Love is fine. :D |
rayray | Re: Re: Re:, 05-06-06 11:41pm yay.
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