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tapdanceoveryourheart (profile) wrote,
on 6-14-2006 at 11:47am
I'm not depressed anymore.This single fact hold so much significance for me that I don't even know how to go through the process of writing down how I feel about this new revelation.It's so weird cause it just hit me all of a sudden out of nowhere.Like,I'm not depressed anymore!!!And I just coouldn't believe it.I mean I've been so depressed this whole semester to the point where I needed to go see a therapist or I needed to talk to somebody before ,well I don't know,before something happened.And it was just this constant feeling that was with me.I wasn't happy.I mean yes there were moments of happiness,but I wasn't really happy.And this was just so strange for somebody as happy go lucky as I used to be.I never realized how much of myself I lost this semester.If you met me this semester,you didn't meet me.You met this ghost of me that was insecure,lonely,afraid,depressed,and just overall going on this downward spiral.

And that is scary to me.How could I have let one person control my emotions that much?How could one person have that much power to have controlled my every emotions so much so that I even considered suicide?I don't even want to mention that word honestly but this is my journal and I have to be honest in it.I became fascinated with it,the idea of it,the ease with which it could be done.And on one level I have myself to blame,I should never have gotten that deep,ever,but I did.On the other hand,I realize now that I wasn't even aware that it was happening,that I had changed,that I wasn't me anymore.And I couldn't put my finger on it.I didn't know where this sudden change came from.There were days when I didn't remember when the last time I had smiled was,days when I cried every night,when I lashed out at my roommates for even asking me what was wrong.And it just kept getting worse and worse.With every fight,with every scathing word,with every negative action I just kept falling deeper and deeper into it.And I hid it so well.I even hid it from myself how serious it really was.I was so unhappy!!My god.Where did I go?What happened to me?how could it have happened?Is that really what love is?Becuase if it then it is a scary,scary place.And I will never ever ever go there ever again.This new me,the me that I used to be,feels so strange to me.Becuase I am happy,and I am smiling,and I'm talking to people and going out and living my life.I feel suddenly so free.And I know how cliched it is but I really do.I feel invincible,like nothing can touch me.I'm telling you,she has released me,she might not realize it but this is the single best gift that anyone has ever given me in my entire life.Becuase as soon as she said those words that severed all ties,I had no choice but to move on,and go on with my daily life.It came so effortlessly.

And I love her.I will not lie.this is my journal and I am determined to be honest at all cost.I love her,crazy as it is,I really do.Perhaps it all happened too fast,we both weren't in the right mind to be in a relationship,misery loves company etc. etc.I don't want it to seem like it was all bad,even though the negative always overshadow the positive.She became my second best friend.She knows things about me that no one else knows or maybe never will outside of my best friend.And I cherish that.Becuase I found a part of me through her.I was able to come out.And she was there for me to lean on at the time when I needed suport the most.And that I will never forget.Becuase first and foremost she is my friend.And I love and cherish my friends and their frienship.So yes I love her.And becuase things are clearer now and I can rationalize and be logical,I see where mistakes were made.How things could have been different.But that's just it.mistakes are made in life.It's the cycle of things.You live and you learn.There's always a bad that comes with a good.To experience ultimate pleasure you must also experience ultimate pain to better appreciate the good more.So I take everything.I own it as part of me.I'll add the pain to the scars I've endured,and add the pleasure to permanence it has left on my soul.And I'll keep it moving
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untouchableface

06-15-06 12:25am

you go girl. i'm happy for you. nobody is worth that much pain. you were a person before her, and you will be an even better one after her. stay strong. can't wait until ani!!!

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